As mentioned before, my parents moved away late last December. Making this the first holiday season without them. And as you know, I recently got a divorce. Making this my first holiday as a single mom. As a single adult, actually, as I was 18 when I got married. I do have local sisters, but we've decided to celebrate on the Saturday following each holiday rather than on the day itself. Which means this is the weirdest holiday season I've ever had. I feel all out of sorts and kind of...wandering. Lost.
Thanksgiving has always meant a huge gathering of family and friends. I would get up in the middle of the night and put a turkey in the oven. I'd cook my traditional scalloped corn. And whatever else I'd been asked to bring. We'd drive to my parents' house, where they had invited 40+ people. We always had at least 2 turkeys and a ham. Along with every side dish you could ever imagine. A bread cornucopia filled with veggies. Paper covering the "kids table" so they could draw and color on the table while waiting for dinner to begin. Pecan pies, cherry pies, pumpkin pies, apple pies, pumpkin roll.....so much food. And so many people. So much love and fun.
This year...crickets. My local sisters had plans of their own, as we were meeting on Saturday. I didn't want to make a huge feast for just me and my 2 sons. And...who wants to sit home alone all day on Thanksgiving?? I was feeling at bit down and lonely, not going to lie. However, I have amazing friends. One of which was in a similar lost sort of situation. My boys and I were invited to spend Thanksgiving over there. Meanwhile, my friend was invited to someone else's house. Who then extended the invitation to me and my sons. So we wound up spending Thanksgiving with a friend...and a house full of strangers. And you know what? It was fabulous. I had a good time meeting new people and stepping out of my comfort zone.
But you know what else? After I got home, I still got sad. I have been doing so so well. I'm keeping my eyes on Christ, to the best of my ability. I've been rejoicing in the little things. I've been feeling so free and so alive and so blessed. But there I was....sad. After an amazing welcoming day. Weird. Then I realized...of COURSE I'm sad! This is a big year. There are HUGE changes this year. And it's ok to be sad a little bit.
And now here we are in the middle of December. And I'm feeling sad again. Lost. Everything is just....weird. I haven't even baked cookies and candies. What is THAT about?? And instead of spending Christmas Eve at my parents' annual Christmas Eve party (see above...it was very similar to the Thanksgiving party. Just add a few Christmas carols and Christmas portraits of each family taken in front of a beautiful Christmas tree...) I will be spending my Christmas Eve...........at home. Alone with my 2 sons I guess. And Christmas Day? More of the same. At some point they will need to see their dad, though we still don't have that scheduled worked out yet.
And to be honest, I miss having a partner. I miss having someone to go on romantic Christmas dates with. I miss having someone to giggle and plan secret gifts with. I miss having someone to pore over the Christmas budget and list with me. My favorite Christmas movie is being re-released to the big screen for the 60th anniversary. Playing this Sunday and Monday only. My greatest desire in the world is to put on my vintage dress with the poofy petticoat and dress to the nines. To have someone take me to a nice dinner, hold my hand, and open my door. To have him help me walk across the icy parking lot the theater. To put his arm around me in the movie. To laugh when I quote the whole movie word for word. And to pretend not to notice when I cry when they surprise the General, like I do every single Christmas of my life. Actually, the odds are good that I will be crying the entire time, seeing the movie on the big screen like it was meant to be seen.
Of course, I have amazing friends and family and my sister surprised me with tickets to the movie Monday night. She and I will wear our fancy dresses and go together. Not the same, but I'm still looking forward to it. And I have been invited to two Christmas parties, one this weekend and one next. Not to mention Christmas with my sisters on Dec 27. So it isn't like I'm alone the entire season.
But I'm not going to lie. I am not really looking forward to Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. They are going to difficult. And awkward. And lonely. Especially if my sons are with their dad. But I know that my Christ is there holding me. And He loves me. And He will never leave me, nor forsake me. And I know that I am loved by friends and family. And I know that God has a plan for me. And I am resting in that knowledge and in His amazing unending love. And I am content.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Thursday, November 20, 2014
When Moose Fly
I had quite an exciting morning. So exciting that it is too long for a Facebook post. So you get to read it here. Lucky you. :)
In the mornings I drive Eldest across town to catch the commuter bus into Anchorage. I then drop Youngest at school on my way back home, where I exercise and do Bible study before going to work. Right now the sun doesn't come up until well after 9 am and we have no snow (what is THAT about??) so it is super dark. Soon snow will work as a reflector and make things appear much brighter. For now, though, think the blackest black you can imagine and you may come a little close. Maybe.
Today I had just dropped Youngest and was heading home. I was stopped at a stoplight just before the two lanes merge into one. My light turned green and a car came barreling down the soon-to-end lane and passed me. I even commented to myself that they are an accident waiting to happen. (Also, I may or may not have called the driver an idiot...)
Just as he got to the merge point I saw his taillights start to spin. I slammed on my brakes just as a moose came flying at me. A moose. Well, not flying through the air, more like spinning toward me along the road. Legs flailing and spinning like a top. I swerved sharply to the left to avoid the moose as it spun away to the right. The speed demon somehow managed to regain control and pulled to the side of the road. The car behind me slammed on their brakes and had to figure out where to go, as I took the left and the moose took the right. He finally followed me to the left. I saw that the speed demon was ok, so I kept driving; as did the car behind me.
Then I started to shake.
Oh my goodness. God loves me SO MUCH!! Do you realize that if the speed demon hadn't cut me off at the light, I would have hit the moose?? And then the flying moose almost hit me. And frankly, it was close enough that I probably have chunks of hair on my car. Have you ever seen a moose get hit? I had no idea chunks of hair flew everywhere like that. I am glad the speed demon was ok, but selfishly, I'm even more glad that it was not me. I only have one vehicle. I don't have the money to get a new one. Even if my car was totaled, I'm pretty sure the insurance would only be enough to pay it off, not to replace it.
And I was wearing workout clothes as I planned to go directly to my treadmill when I got home. And nobody wants to see that standing on the side of the road talking to Troopers. At least it was dark enough maybe no one would have noticed... ;)
Count your blessings my friends! And let me just say one more time: My God is so amazing! I am so thankful for his protection this morning! How have you been blessed today?
In the mornings I drive Eldest across town to catch the commuter bus into Anchorage. I then drop Youngest at school on my way back home, where I exercise and do Bible study before going to work. Right now the sun doesn't come up until well after 9 am and we have no snow (what is THAT about??) so it is super dark. Soon snow will work as a reflector and make things appear much brighter. For now, though, think the blackest black you can imagine and you may come a little close. Maybe.
Today I had just dropped Youngest and was heading home. I was stopped at a stoplight just before the two lanes merge into one. My light turned green and a car came barreling down the soon-to-end lane and passed me. I even commented to myself that they are an accident waiting to happen. (Also, I may or may not have called the driver an idiot...)
Just as he got to the merge point I saw his taillights start to spin. I slammed on my brakes just as a moose came flying at me. A moose. Well, not flying through the air, more like spinning toward me along the road. Legs flailing and spinning like a top. I swerved sharply to the left to avoid the moose as it spun away to the right. The speed demon somehow managed to regain control and pulled to the side of the road. The car behind me slammed on their brakes and had to figure out where to go, as I took the left and the moose took the right. He finally followed me to the left. I saw that the speed demon was ok, so I kept driving; as did the car behind me.
Then I started to shake.
Oh my goodness. God loves me SO MUCH!! Do you realize that if the speed demon hadn't cut me off at the light, I would have hit the moose?? And then the flying moose almost hit me. And frankly, it was close enough that I probably have chunks of hair on my car. Have you ever seen a moose get hit? I had no idea chunks of hair flew everywhere like that. I am glad the speed demon was ok, but selfishly, I'm even more glad that it was not me. I only have one vehicle. I don't have the money to get a new one. Even if my car was totaled, I'm pretty sure the insurance would only be enough to pay it off, not to replace it.
And I was wearing workout clothes as I planned to go directly to my treadmill when I got home. And nobody wants to see that standing on the side of the road talking to Troopers. At least it was dark enough maybe no one would have noticed... ;)
Count your blessings my friends! And let me just say one more time: My God is so amazing! I am so thankful for his protection this morning! How have you been blessed today?
Friday, November 14, 2014
The Call of the Wild
My favorite poet, Wendell Berry, said it best:
The Peace of Wild Things
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
Lately I've been feeling that same draw. Not to escape despair, but to feel closer to my Savior. My heart swells and I feel like I am going to explode with the sheer force of His love. I have to get out of the hustle and bustle of my life, away from civilization, and drink in the beauty of His creation. I soak it up like a sponge. I can't get enough of it.
I have been making it a point to notice the love notes that He sends me on a daily basis. And oh there are SO many!! For starters, where I live. Alaska is breathtaking. And He is painting a daily masterpiece for me. I love that Alaska has such amazing differences in daylight hours between summer and winter. In the summer I see neither sunrise nor sunset. In the winter, however, I get to see each and every one. I've occasionally noticed them, but only when it is spectacularly amazing. Well, guess what. I don't know if I'm just now noticing or if my Creator is just really putting on a show this year, but wow. Just. Wow.
Yesterday I escaped. Just me. The sun was shining and I was chomping at the bit. Almost buzzed. Antsy. Thursday is my early-off day so I hopped in my car and took off. I drove into Willow and pulled off at a turnout area that gave a perfect view of Denali. He is a little ethereal. Sometimes he is bright and glorious. Other times he can't be seen at all. Yesterday he looked rather like a hologram or even a watermark on paper. Just barely visible. As I sat and watched, he completely disappeared. The weather there is often different than the weather here and apparently they were pretty hazy. It was still an amazing blessing to watch him change before my very eyes. Sadly, he was too light to be captured on camera.
And yes, I call Denali "him". Denali means "The Great One". And the two smaller mountains beside him, whose names I can never remember, mean "Wife of the Great One" and "Son of the Great One." Therefore; male. (Sorry, my readers who insist he's female. Can't argue with the Natives who named him!) ;)
After he disappeared, I still had some time before I needed to head back into town so I kept going. I blared my praise music and sang until I was hoarse. I gloried in the amazing creation around me. I turned around at the Kashwitna River and headed back home. Along the way I stopped for some snaps of my mom's favorite mountain, Susitna, or The Sleeping Lady.
Then on to pick up my son from school, where I took this shot from the parking lot. I mean really. From the parking lot of his high school. Is there anywhere more fabulous than Alaska?? I think not.
(These are all taken with a phone. Just imagine if I had a real camera. And, you know, had a clue what I was doing...)
God is so amazing. <3
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Beautiful vs Sexy
On someone's recommendation, I have been reading the book Captivating and working through the accompanying workbook. This has spurred the most amazing healing. I can't even put into words how God has changed my heart with the teachings in this book. Seriously, ladies, go read it. Enter with much prayer and ask Jesus to open your heart to hear what He would have you to hear. Men, go buy it for your women and encourage them to work through it. Be prepared for a lot of tears. Better yet, give them some time alone to process what they are reading. And honestly, the author has a version for men titled Wild At Heart. Go get it for yourself. I haven't read it yet but if it is half as good as Captivating, you need it.
Part of this book talks about the importance of beauty. And how we all have beauty to share. And how beauty is not on the outside, but radiates from the inside out. It talks about how the most beautiful woman they know is in her 70s. How she lights a room when she enters and everyone flocks to her and wants to be near her because she's so overwhelmingly beautiful.
And that's wonderful and fabulous to think that it may be possible to achieve such beauty and to be able to shine the love of Jesus out through my pores like that.
But in my brain, I have a terrible time separating beautiful from sexy. If you find the word sexy offensive, let's replace it with attractive. Physically appealing to a member of the opposite gender.
Is this a cultural thing? Is this simply because I'm ever more aware of my own lack of attractiveness and am clinging to the hope that I will eventually find someone who does not mind a little extra weight (ok, a lot...), splotchy skin, saggy everything, stretch marks, grey hair, wrinkles, etc.? Is it because I remember once being beautiful, attractive, maybe even sexy...and I miss it? Is it just me?
Or do you struggle the same? When I say someone is beautiful, what do you picture? Do you picture young, thin, long flowing hair, clear skin, red lips? Or do you picture old, overweight, grey hair, wrinkles, but as welcoming as a warm chocolate chip cookie?
When a woman wants to feel desired, does she mean she wants people to want to be around her and bask in the love of Christ? Or does she mean she wants a man to find her physically attractive and want to be with her in a more physically intimate way? And what of us old, overweight, wrinkly, physically unattractive women who may one day want to be physically attractive to a man? Are we just out of luck? Are we doomed to a life of physical loneliness?
And does it matter?
These are the things that are wrestling in my brain. Do I want to be beautiful or do I want to be physically attractive to the opposite gender? Are they different? Are there men out there who don't mind old, overweight, wrinkly, and grey? Who not only want to be around us because we are beautiful on the inside, but who also want to be with us because they find our outside attractive in spite of the things that our culture finds unattractive?
And vice versa. What about us? Who are we looking for? Does our potential mate have to be young and physically strong and hulky?
I have seen men that I find physically unattractive attract a spouse. I myself have found men physically unattractive until I get to know them. They become attractive as their personality shows. Is it the same for us? Can my glowing personality (ha) make me physically attractive in the eyes of some kind man in the future?
Or does it even matter? I do miss having a partner. I miss having someone to cuddle on cold nights. Someone to help around the house. Someone to hike with. Someone to have morning devotionals with. Some to pray with me. Someone to curl next to on the couch while we talk about our hopes and dreams for the future, or watch a movie, or just...sit. Someone to exercise with. Someone to cook for. Someone to spoil. Someone to do my laundry (ok, now I'm just dreaming. LOL)
But if I had to choose between being physically attractive and beautiful...the beauty that comes from Christ shining through me...I'm glad I have Christ. And through Him, I am beautiful. If I can get over my selfish desire to be physically attractive (which, lets face it, is a losing battle. Those days are long gone), if I will focus on HIM and let him transform me, I will grow more and more beautiful. And He will bless me. And I will share His love to all those around me.
And that is all that matters.
Part of this book talks about the importance of beauty. And how we all have beauty to share. And how beauty is not on the outside, but radiates from the inside out. It talks about how the most beautiful woman they know is in her 70s. How she lights a room when she enters and everyone flocks to her and wants to be near her because she's so overwhelmingly beautiful.
And that's wonderful and fabulous to think that it may be possible to achieve such beauty and to be able to shine the love of Jesus out through my pores like that.
But in my brain, I have a terrible time separating beautiful from sexy. If you find the word sexy offensive, let's replace it with attractive. Physically appealing to a member of the opposite gender.
Is this a cultural thing? Is this simply because I'm ever more aware of my own lack of attractiveness and am clinging to the hope that I will eventually find someone who does not mind a little extra weight (ok, a lot...), splotchy skin, saggy everything, stretch marks, grey hair, wrinkles, etc.? Is it because I remember once being beautiful, attractive, maybe even sexy...and I miss it? Is it just me?
Or do you struggle the same? When I say someone is beautiful, what do you picture? Do you picture young, thin, long flowing hair, clear skin, red lips? Or do you picture old, overweight, grey hair, wrinkles, but as welcoming as a warm chocolate chip cookie?
When a woman wants to feel desired, does she mean she wants people to want to be around her and bask in the love of Christ? Or does she mean she wants a man to find her physically attractive and want to be with her in a more physically intimate way? And what of us old, overweight, wrinkly, physically unattractive women who may one day want to be physically attractive to a man? Are we just out of luck? Are we doomed to a life of physical loneliness?
And does it matter?
These are the things that are wrestling in my brain. Do I want to be beautiful or do I want to be physically attractive to the opposite gender? Are they different? Are there men out there who don't mind old, overweight, wrinkly, and grey? Who not only want to be around us because we are beautiful on the inside, but who also want to be with us because they find our outside attractive in spite of the things that our culture finds unattractive?
And vice versa. What about us? Who are we looking for? Does our potential mate have to be young and physically strong and hulky?
I have seen men that I find physically unattractive attract a spouse. I myself have found men physically unattractive until I get to know them. They become attractive as their personality shows. Is it the same for us? Can my glowing personality (ha) make me physically attractive in the eyes of some kind man in the future?
Or does it even matter? I do miss having a partner. I miss having someone to cuddle on cold nights. Someone to help around the house. Someone to hike with. Someone to have morning devotionals with. Some to pray with me. Someone to curl next to on the couch while we talk about our hopes and dreams for the future, or watch a movie, or just...sit. Someone to exercise with. Someone to cook for. Someone to spoil. Someone to do my laundry (ok, now I'm just dreaming. LOL)
But if I had to choose between being physically attractive and beautiful...the beauty that comes from Christ shining through me...I'm glad I have Christ. And through Him, I am beautiful. If I can get over my selfish desire to be physically attractive (which, lets face it, is a losing battle. Those days are long gone), if I will focus on HIM and let him transform me, I will grow more and more beautiful. And He will bless me. And I will share His love to all those around me.
And that is all that matters.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Danger, Will Robinson!
Like seeing a shark swimming back and forth in a swimming pool, Thursday's divorce hearing has been looming in my otherwise safe and calm little world. I try to go about my business, but it is always there. I'm watching it out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes turning to face it but getting overwhelmed and turning away again. Trying to ignore it.
Yet it keeps swimming closer and closer.
The TARDIS cloister bell, warning of immediate danger, is gonging in the back of my mind. All day, every day.
I hear a robot following me around shouting "Danger, Will Robinson!"
Red flashing lights.
"Bridge Out Ahead" warning signs.
Basically, it is consuming 90% of my thought processes. I'm trying not to obsess. But there it looms.
So I do what I always do when I feel out of control. I micro-focus on the stupid little details. What am I going to wear? What earrings? What shoes? I'll take my makeup to work so I can touch up before court. Because, you know, everyone needs to look pretty for their divorce hearing. Really? Who am I kidding. It isn't about wanting to look pretty. It is about needing to have some measure of control over an otherwise uncontrollable situation. This is completely out of my hands and there is not one thing I can do about it. So I focus on the tiny things. Who cares which color lipstick I bring...or that I bring it at all?
Well...me. Because I need to feel confident and in control of SOMETHING. Even if it is just the color of my lips. So I am going to wear my pretty new dress, put on my lipstick, meet my Divorce Care leader for coffee and prayer, then march into that courtroom on my own two feet with my head held high. While I am full of sorrow over his choice to rip this family to shreds, I know that God is taking amazing care of me and my sons and that we WILL be blessed. While this hurts, and I can't even fathom how or why he got us to this point, I know that my sons and I will be just fine.
If all goes well, tomorrow will officially mark a new chapter in our lives. And we are ready.
Yet it keeps swimming closer and closer.
The TARDIS cloister bell, warning of immediate danger, is gonging in the back of my mind. All day, every day.
I hear a robot following me around shouting "Danger, Will Robinson!"
Red flashing lights.
"Bridge Out Ahead" warning signs.
Basically, it is consuming 90% of my thought processes. I'm trying not to obsess. But there it looms.
So I do what I always do when I feel out of control. I micro-focus on the stupid little details. What am I going to wear? What earrings? What shoes? I'll take my makeup to work so I can touch up before court. Because, you know, everyone needs to look pretty for their divorce hearing. Really? Who am I kidding. It isn't about wanting to look pretty. It is about needing to have some measure of control over an otherwise uncontrollable situation. This is completely out of my hands and there is not one thing I can do about it. So I focus on the tiny things. Who cares which color lipstick I bring...or that I bring it at all?
Well...me. Because I need to feel confident and in control of SOMETHING. Even if it is just the color of my lips. So I am going to wear my pretty new dress, put on my lipstick, meet my Divorce Care leader for coffee and prayer, then march into that courtroom on my own two feet with my head held high. While I am full of sorrow over his choice to rip this family to shreds, I know that God is taking amazing care of me and my sons and that we WILL be blessed. While this hurts, and I can't even fathom how or why he got us to this point, I know that my sons and I will be just fine.
If all goes well, tomorrow will officially mark a new chapter in our lives. And we are ready.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Quick and easy veggie beef stew
Through a series of unfortunate events, we had to miss church last night. I adore my church and was just disgusted with having to miss. Furthermore, I had no meal planned for dinner. On church nights we used to eat out before services due to the time crunch. I can't afford that as much any more, so the plan for last night was just to make some sandwiches to eat in the car after I picked up my eldest from the bus stop. Since we were no longer in that situation, I had to come up with a real meal. I raided my pantry and freezer and tossed together a soup/stew. (What's the difference between a soup and stew? I always assume stew is heartier, but no idea what makes a soup become a stew....)
I don't often buy canned veggies, but happen to have some in my pantry. And last night I added those to some pre-made frozen meatballs that I keep on hand basically for emergencies like this. These are great to toss into a recipe that usually calls for ground beef when I haven't taken the time to defrost any. So tossing what I had on hand into a pot turned out pretty decent. It filled my belly and honestly soothed my soul. (Yes, I am a food addict. I totally have an emotional reaction to food. Comfort food is my downfall. Also chocolate. And ice cream. And warm ooey gooey brie....not all together of course...) I added some grilled cheese sandwiches and called it good. And it was, actually. Really really good. And best of all, I have leftovers. So I get to have it for lunch today and tomorrow. Mmmmmm....
Without further ado, here is my "recipe" for Oops, I Need A Fast Meal! Meatball Veggie Stew (soup?)
Canned vegetables, as many as you feel you need for your crew and whatever you have on hand or your favorites. Last night I used 2 cans of green beans, 2 cans of corn, and 1 large jar of my home-canned carrots. I would have used peas as well if I'd had some. Potatoes would work too. Do not drain these. Just dump them in.
Add whatever seasonings you like. I generously sprinkled Johnny's seasoning salt into the pan. Because Johnny's makes EVERYTHING better. Seriously. Go try this stuff. I also added 1 packet of onion soup mix and about 8 beef bullion cubes.
Dump in enough meatballs to feed your family and/or to bring the stew near the top of the pan. I have no idea how many, I just dumped them in.
Bring to a boil and let cook until meatballs are hot. Stir occasionally.
I know this is totally frustrating to those of you who measure everything. But seriously, this soup/stew is completely versatile and changes every time I make it. Because, yeah, I've made it before. Usually with frozen veggies. In that case, I add water in place of the canned veggie liquid. As much as I love meal planning, sometimes you just need a quick meal on the fly. This has become my go-to meal in recent years. Of course, you can always adapt this to "real" veggie beef stew and use fresh veggies and chunks of steak, but that takes longer. This is awesome when you are craving "real" veggie beef stew but just simply don't have the time. Oooh, maybe I should call this one "Imitation Veggie Beef Stew"....
I don't often buy canned veggies, but happen to have some in my pantry. And last night I added those to some pre-made frozen meatballs that I keep on hand basically for emergencies like this. These are great to toss into a recipe that usually calls for ground beef when I haven't taken the time to defrost any. So tossing what I had on hand into a pot turned out pretty decent. It filled my belly and honestly soothed my soul. (Yes, I am a food addict. I totally have an emotional reaction to food. Comfort food is my downfall. Also chocolate. And ice cream. And warm ooey gooey brie....not all together of course...) I added some grilled cheese sandwiches and called it good. And it was, actually. Really really good. And best of all, I have leftovers. So I get to have it for lunch today and tomorrow. Mmmmmm....
Without further ado, here is my "recipe" for Oops, I Need A Fast Meal! Meatball Veggie Stew (soup?)
Canned vegetables, as many as you feel you need for your crew and whatever you have on hand or your favorites. Last night I used 2 cans of green beans, 2 cans of corn, and 1 large jar of my home-canned carrots. I would have used peas as well if I'd had some. Potatoes would work too. Do not drain these. Just dump them in.
Add whatever seasonings you like. I generously sprinkled Johnny's seasoning salt into the pan. Because Johnny's makes EVERYTHING better. Seriously. Go try this stuff. I also added 1 packet of onion soup mix and about 8 beef bullion cubes.
Dump in enough meatballs to feed your family and/or to bring the stew near the top of the pan. I have no idea how many, I just dumped them in.
Bring to a boil and let cook until meatballs are hot. Stir occasionally.
I know this is totally frustrating to those of you who measure everything. But seriously, this soup/stew is completely versatile and changes every time I make it. Because, yeah, I've made it before. Usually with frozen veggies. In that case, I add water in place of the canned veggie liquid. As much as I love meal planning, sometimes you just need a quick meal on the fly. This has become my go-to meal in recent years. Of course, you can always adapt this to "real" veggie beef stew and use fresh veggies and chunks of steak, but that takes longer. This is awesome when you are craving "real" veggie beef stew but just simply don't have the time. Oooh, maybe I should call this one "Imitation Veggie Beef Stew"....
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Surviving Divorce: Tips For The Newly Single
Divorce is hard. Not just your average everyday hard. Not hard like a new diet or exercise plan hard. Not hard like going to work when you hate your job hard. Not hard like a spat with a dear friend hard. No, this is HARD. This is officially A Hard Thing. It is easy to lose oneself in the midst of divorce, to be sucked into the swirling vortex of sadness and uncertainty, to be overwhelmed by the whole thing and just disappear. So here are my survival tips, straight from the trenches.
1. Hide behind God
When my husband told me he wanted a divorce in February of this year, I went to the only place I could find comfort. I immersed myself in my Bible. Not even studying about divorce or marriage or any topic at all. Simply just reading the Word. So many verses and passages spoke to me during that time. It was an intimate bonding period with my Savior. It was so incredible. The Bible was His love letter to me and I soaked it up as much as I possibly could. Sadly, I've gotten out of that habit as intensely as it was at that time, and I miss it. When you are feeling overwhelmed, just open your Bible. When in doubt, open Psalms. Open Proverbs. Just open it anywhere and let God speak to your heart.
2. Don't isolate
It is seriously tempting to just completely withdraw from everyone and everything. Don't do it. You may want to wallow in self pity, self disgust, shame, and all of those dark and horrible things that Satan throws at you, but DON'T. It is imperative to surround yourself with love and support during this time. When the dark feelings overwhelm you, set aside time to truly feel them. Set a timer for 10 minutes, or 20, or 30, or whatever. Do nothing but FEEL those feelings. Sit in a room by yourself and allow yourself to wallow. Scream. Cry. Throw things if you must. Grieve, feel sorry for yourself, let it all out. But only for the allotted time. When your timer goes off, you are done. Dry your eyes, pick up your mess, hold your head high, and carry on. No more thinking those thoughts. Distract yourself. Call a friend. Take your kids to the park. When the dark thoughts enter your mind, take them captive. Shove them back until the next time you set aside to deal with them. Eventually you should be having them less and less.
If you don't know anyone who can relate to what you are going through, there are support resources online. I personally have found one that is for Christian women dealing with divorce. Picket Fences Divorce Recovery Ministries requires membership before you can enter the private forums. It is a safe and secure site for those of us who are looking for like-minded women who have been there. Another resource is Divorce Care. I just started and think it will be good.. If for nothing else than making new friends with single people, who are local and who know what I'm going through.
3. Ask for help
You don't have to do this alone. Suddenly becoming single is overwhelming. When he left in the Spring I was on medical leave with no income and no idea when I might be able to return to work. I had two teenaged sons, 3 dogs, a snake, and a 3 bedroom house. Not having income was terrifying. But my church and family scooped us up and helped us more than you can even imagine. Not just with cash, but also with food, rides to the doctor and school, and even helped me fill out assistance applications. Yes, I had to swallow my pride and apply for state assistance. I was mortified. But I had no choice.
And I don't just mean that kind of help. Even after my husband came back and then left again after 2 months, even though I'm now working full time, I still need help. I need help with hauling trash to the dump. I need help with car maintenance. I need help with lawn maintenance, etc. Just practical everyday "man stuff". It is easy to get overwhelmed with everything falling on just one plate now.
4. It's ok to the be the "Fun Mom"
Have you heard the term "Disney Dad" or "Fun Dad"? This is often used to describe the non-custodial parent trying to "buy the chidren's affection" by always making fun the top priority during visitations. No discipline, no rules. The children come home with loads of new gadgets and gizmos and gushing about how much fun they had. This often causes the custodial parent to get angry and bitter. Because "Really?? I can barely put food on the table and pay all the bills and stay on top of housework and homework and keep sports and scouts and church and playdate schedules and still try to maintain a semblance of normalcy...and HE doesn't have to worry about any of those things!"
Here's a secret though. Sometimes it is GOOD to be the fun mom. Or the Disney mom. You and your children have been through a huge trauma. I'm not saying go blow every penny you have and walk out of your job to take your kids on a trip around the world. I'm saying clip a few more coupons or serve mac and cheese with hot dogs for dinner and use that savings to take your kids to the movies. Or go bowling. Or do something totally free and go hiking. Take a picnic lunch and pack up your dogs and your kids and hit the trail. Or institute a family game night. No homework, no housework, no phones, no distractions. Just you and your kids playing a board game or a card game, or shoot, maybe even a multiplayer video game. Just SPEND TIME with your kids. Do something you've always wanted to do but had been put off. (Husband didn't approve? Husband's schedule wouldn't allow it?) After my husband left again last month, I actually had 2 weekends of being the fun mom. My kids and I did a few things we've been wanting to do for ages. We drove to our favorite town about 3 hours away and went to the Sea Life Center. Along the way we stopped at our favorite ice cream store and pizza place. We had a BLAST. It was awesome. And then, 2 weeks later, we went camping. Just the three of us. It was so peaceful and so blessed. I am so grateful that I spent the money on those trips. They weren't terribly expensive. Way less than a "real" vacation would have been. And so completely worth it. Did we have to tighten our belts a little bit because of it? Yes. Absolutely. But SO worth it!
5. Show yourself grace
I have a confession. My house is a disaster. Seriously. My laundry is piled up, floors aren't mopped, my kitchen table is hidden under mounds of mail and coats and...who knows what all, I have dirty dishes in my sink. I can't even tell you the last time I scrubbed the toilet. Yes, it is gross. Yes, I would probably die of embarrassment if someone showed up. Or maybe not. Because you know why? I'm kind of trying to heal over here. I have more important things to do. Like go to work. Like cook dinner. Like see to it that my sons make it to the bus stop and to school and that my car has gas and that we have milk and that the dogs have dog food and the cat has kitty litter and that we are all still breathing and emotionally doing ok. And yeah, my kids could do the chores, but guess what. Their dad just left them. They are healing too!
Divorce is one of the most stressful things a person can go through. Even though I feel like I'm dealing very well, my body still has symptoms of stress. Yeah, did you know that stress actually causes physical symptoms? Fatigue, weight loss or gain, insomnia, you may even get sick. Is a coincidence that I got the flu right after my husband told me he was leaving this spring? And is it another coincidence that I now have the worst cold in the history of human colds, a month after he left again? It could be, yeah. But our mind/emotions and our body are connected. They each have an effect on the other. One thing that I've read over and over as I read about divorce and talk to people who are going through it is that most of them are sleepy. Like, all the time. Naps are a big part of their lives. Why? Because our bodies heal while we sleep. Yes, excessive sleep is also a symptom of depression, which by the way is also something that can come from divorce. And if you find yourself napping TOO much, then definitely get checked out by your doctor.
But really...show yourself some grace. Divorce is A Big Deal. And it is A Hard Thing. And it will take some time to get into a new groove. It will take some time to heal. And if you are just too exhausted when you get home from work to deal with making your house look like the Queen is coming over, then don't worry about it. Lay on the couch and watch a movie with your kids. Trust me, the dishes will still be there tomorrow. Or even the next day. Rest when you need to rest. Don't worry about it. You will eventually get your energy back. Give your body what it needs. Focus on baby steps. Drink enough water. Eat more fruits and vegetables. Go for a walk or do even part of an exercise video. Be KIND to yourself. You are healing. Your wounds may not be visible, but they are real. And should be treated as such.
6. Be nice, but set boundaries
So many people I have talked with are struggling with their ex-spouse. People are hurting and they sometimes lash out at the person who has caused that pain. This often causes not-so-amicable divorces. That is completely understandable. Except that you really do have to be around each other for the rest of your lives if you have kids. You still have high school graduations, weddings, grandchildren....your ex-spouse will be there for those if he/she maintains any kind of relationship with your children at all. Wouldn't it be nice not to create a dramatic scene at your daughter's wedding? Yes, you are hurting. Yes, tension is high. But really....be nice. As nice as you can be. Even if he is not nice to you. Now, I'm not saying bend over backwards to accommodate him and let him walk all over you. No, not that at all. Stand up for your rights and those of your children. He still has responsibilities to them. But just don't pick fights. Don't call names. Don't get emotional. If you have a lawyer, communicate through them. Maintain your safe boundaries.
What sort of boundaries? Well, that's something with which I am struggling myself. I don't have those answers. You shouldn't talk to your ex-spouse unless absolutely necessary. At least not right now. Maybe you can be friends at some point in the future, I don't know. But that time is not now. Right now you need healing. And you can't get it if you are constantly on the line with him. Don't stalk his Facebook page. Don't be friends on Facebook. Don't stalk his friends' Facebook pages. And if there was adultery, don't stalk HER Facebook page either. Seriously. Just don't. Don't call him as your first choice if you have a problem. Unless it involves his children. When our son came home from work ill last week, I called my soon-to-be-ex-husband and asked if our son could crash at his place while I was in my doctor's appointment, as I didn't have time to take him home first. (My son rides the commuter bus and doesn't have a car) I could have made our son sit in the waiting room, but honestly who wants to do that? So instead he crashed on Dad's couch until my appointment was over. Yeah, I could have called a friend but there are responsibilities to being a parent. And this is one of them. Also, remember that your house is YOUR house. He no longer has a right to come in and out as he pleases. He can't just stop by unannounced. He can't come in without your permission. He has no right there unless you invite him. In fact, if there is drama then set up a public place for picking up/dropping of your kids for visitations.
7. Help others
This one seems a little counterproductive. How can you help others if you are struggling yourself? Well, there is your answer. Because you have been there. I'm not saying hang out a shingle and call yourself a divorce counselor. I'm just saying to look around. I'm willing to bet there is someone in your life who is hurting too. Maybe not due to divorce. But hurting and needing help. Whenever you feel strong enough, reach out your hand and help someone else. Call to see how they are feeling. Invite them over for coffee. Mail them a card. Just something to get your focus off of yourself and your own issues. It is easy to become completely self-involved and forget that everyone needs something. Turn those tables and help someone else. Who knows, the act of helping someone else may just help you, too!
1. Hide behind God
When my husband told me he wanted a divorce in February of this year, I went to the only place I could find comfort. I immersed myself in my Bible. Not even studying about divorce or marriage or any topic at all. Simply just reading the Word. So many verses and passages spoke to me during that time. It was an intimate bonding period with my Savior. It was so incredible. The Bible was His love letter to me and I soaked it up as much as I possibly could. Sadly, I've gotten out of that habit as intensely as it was at that time, and I miss it. When you are feeling overwhelmed, just open your Bible. When in doubt, open Psalms. Open Proverbs. Just open it anywhere and let God speak to your heart.
2. Don't isolate
It is seriously tempting to just completely withdraw from everyone and everything. Don't do it. You may want to wallow in self pity, self disgust, shame, and all of those dark and horrible things that Satan throws at you, but DON'T. It is imperative to surround yourself with love and support during this time. When the dark feelings overwhelm you, set aside time to truly feel them. Set a timer for 10 minutes, or 20, or 30, or whatever. Do nothing but FEEL those feelings. Sit in a room by yourself and allow yourself to wallow. Scream. Cry. Throw things if you must. Grieve, feel sorry for yourself, let it all out. But only for the allotted time. When your timer goes off, you are done. Dry your eyes, pick up your mess, hold your head high, and carry on. No more thinking those thoughts. Distract yourself. Call a friend. Take your kids to the park. When the dark thoughts enter your mind, take them captive. Shove them back until the next time you set aside to deal with them. Eventually you should be having them less and less.
If you don't know anyone who can relate to what you are going through, there are support resources online. I personally have found one that is for Christian women dealing with divorce. Picket Fences Divorce Recovery Ministries requires membership before you can enter the private forums. It is a safe and secure site for those of us who are looking for like-minded women who have been there. Another resource is Divorce Care. I just started and think it will be good.. If for nothing else than making new friends with single people, who are local and who know what I'm going through.
3. Ask for help
You don't have to do this alone. Suddenly becoming single is overwhelming. When he left in the Spring I was on medical leave with no income and no idea when I might be able to return to work. I had two teenaged sons, 3 dogs, a snake, and a 3 bedroom house. Not having income was terrifying. But my church and family scooped us up and helped us more than you can even imagine. Not just with cash, but also with food, rides to the doctor and school, and even helped me fill out assistance applications. Yes, I had to swallow my pride and apply for state assistance. I was mortified. But I had no choice.
And I don't just mean that kind of help. Even after my husband came back and then left again after 2 months, even though I'm now working full time, I still need help. I need help with hauling trash to the dump. I need help with car maintenance. I need help with lawn maintenance, etc. Just practical everyday "man stuff". It is easy to get overwhelmed with everything falling on just one plate now.
4. It's ok to the be the "Fun Mom"
Have you heard the term "Disney Dad" or "Fun Dad"? This is often used to describe the non-custodial parent trying to "buy the chidren's affection" by always making fun the top priority during visitations. No discipline, no rules. The children come home with loads of new gadgets and gizmos and gushing about how much fun they had. This often causes the custodial parent to get angry and bitter. Because "Really?? I can barely put food on the table and pay all the bills and stay on top of housework and homework and keep sports and scouts and church and playdate schedules and still try to maintain a semblance of normalcy...and HE doesn't have to worry about any of those things!"
Here's a secret though. Sometimes it is GOOD to be the fun mom. Or the Disney mom. You and your children have been through a huge trauma. I'm not saying go blow every penny you have and walk out of your job to take your kids on a trip around the world. I'm saying clip a few more coupons or serve mac and cheese with hot dogs for dinner and use that savings to take your kids to the movies. Or go bowling. Or do something totally free and go hiking. Take a picnic lunch and pack up your dogs and your kids and hit the trail. Or institute a family game night. No homework, no housework, no phones, no distractions. Just you and your kids playing a board game or a card game, or shoot, maybe even a multiplayer video game. Just SPEND TIME with your kids. Do something you've always wanted to do but had been put off. (Husband didn't approve? Husband's schedule wouldn't allow it?) After my husband left again last month, I actually had 2 weekends of being the fun mom. My kids and I did a few things we've been wanting to do for ages. We drove to our favorite town about 3 hours away and went to the Sea Life Center. Along the way we stopped at our favorite ice cream store and pizza place. We had a BLAST. It was awesome. And then, 2 weeks later, we went camping. Just the three of us. It was so peaceful and so blessed. I am so grateful that I spent the money on those trips. They weren't terribly expensive. Way less than a "real" vacation would have been. And so completely worth it. Did we have to tighten our belts a little bit because of it? Yes. Absolutely. But SO worth it!
5. Show yourself grace
I have a confession. My house is a disaster. Seriously. My laundry is piled up, floors aren't mopped, my kitchen table is hidden under mounds of mail and coats and...who knows what all, I have dirty dishes in my sink. I can't even tell you the last time I scrubbed the toilet. Yes, it is gross. Yes, I would probably die of embarrassment if someone showed up. Or maybe not. Because you know why? I'm kind of trying to heal over here. I have more important things to do. Like go to work. Like cook dinner. Like see to it that my sons make it to the bus stop and to school and that my car has gas and that we have milk and that the dogs have dog food and the cat has kitty litter and that we are all still breathing and emotionally doing ok. And yeah, my kids could do the chores, but guess what. Their dad just left them. They are healing too!
Divorce is one of the most stressful things a person can go through. Even though I feel like I'm dealing very well, my body still has symptoms of stress. Yeah, did you know that stress actually causes physical symptoms? Fatigue, weight loss or gain, insomnia, you may even get sick. Is a coincidence that I got the flu right after my husband told me he was leaving this spring? And is it another coincidence that I now have the worst cold in the history of human colds, a month after he left again? It could be, yeah. But our mind/emotions and our body are connected. They each have an effect on the other. One thing that I've read over and over as I read about divorce and talk to people who are going through it is that most of them are sleepy. Like, all the time. Naps are a big part of their lives. Why? Because our bodies heal while we sleep. Yes, excessive sleep is also a symptom of depression, which by the way is also something that can come from divorce. And if you find yourself napping TOO much, then definitely get checked out by your doctor.
But really...show yourself some grace. Divorce is A Big Deal. And it is A Hard Thing. And it will take some time to get into a new groove. It will take some time to heal. And if you are just too exhausted when you get home from work to deal with making your house look like the Queen is coming over, then don't worry about it. Lay on the couch and watch a movie with your kids. Trust me, the dishes will still be there tomorrow. Or even the next day. Rest when you need to rest. Don't worry about it. You will eventually get your energy back. Give your body what it needs. Focus on baby steps. Drink enough water. Eat more fruits and vegetables. Go for a walk or do even part of an exercise video. Be KIND to yourself. You are healing. Your wounds may not be visible, but they are real. And should be treated as such.
6. Be nice, but set boundaries
So many people I have talked with are struggling with their ex-spouse. People are hurting and they sometimes lash out at the person who has caused that pain. This often causes not-so-amicable divorces. That is completely understandable. Except that you really do have to be around each other for the rest of your lives if you have kids. You still have high school graduations, weddings, grandchildren....your ex-spouse will be there for those if he/she maintains any kind of relationship with your children at all. Wouldn't it be nice not to create a dramatic scene at your daughter's wedding? Yes, you are hurting. Yes, tension is high. But really....be nice. As nice as you can be. Even if he is not nice to you. Now, I'm not saying bend over backwards to accommodate him and let him walk all over you. No, not that at all. Stand up for your rights and those of your children. He still has responsibilities to them. But just don't pick fights. Don't call names. Don't get emotional. If you have a lawyer, communicate through them. Maintain your safe boundaries.
What sort of boundaries? Well, that's something with which I am struggling myself. I don't have those answers. You shouldn't talk to your ex-spouse unless absolutely necessary. At least not right now. Maybe you can be friends at some point in the future, I don't know. But that time is not now. Right now you need healing. And you can't get it if you are constantly on the line with him. Don't stalk his Facebook page. Don't be friends on Facebook. Don't stalk his friends' Facebook pages. And if there was adultery, don't stalk HER Facebook page either. Seriously. Just don't. Don't call him as your first choice if you have a problem. Unless it involves his children. When our son came home from work ill last week, I called my soon-to-be-ex-husband and asked if our son could crash at his place while I was in my doctor's appointment, as I didn't have time to take him home first. (My son rides the commuter bus and doesn't have a car) I could have made our son sit in the waiting room, but honestly who wants to do that? So instead he crashed on Dad's couch until my appointment was over. Yeah, I could have called a friend but there are responsibilities to being a parent. And this is one of them. Also, remember that your house is YOUR house. He no longer has a right to come in and out as he pleases. He can't just stop by unannounced. He can't come in without your permission. He has no right there unless you invite him. In fact, if there is drama then set up a public place for picking up/dropping of your kids for visitations.
7. Help others
This one seems a little counterproductive. How can you help others if you are struggling yourself? Well, there is your answer. Because you have been there. I'm not saying hang out a shingle and call yourself a divorce counselor. I'm just saying to look around. I'm willing to bet there is someone in your life who is hurting too. Maybe not due to divorce. But hurting and needing help. Whenever you feel strong enough, reach out your hand and help someone else. Call to see how they are feeling. Invite them over for coffee. Mail them a card. Just something to get your focus off of yourself and your own issues. It is easy to become completely self-involved and forget that everyone needs something. Turn those tables and help someone else. Who knows, the act of helping someone else may just help you, too!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)