Love Notes From God

If you know me or have been reading my blog at all, you know that 2014 was not an easy year.  In fact, I'd go so far as to say it was the hardest year I've had.  However, it was also the best year I've had.  Which sounds insane, but let me explain.

Through all of that hardship and all of that turmoil, through the loss of my marriage, through the loss of my health, through the loss of my family traditions and comforts, through the loss of my job...God has kept me going.  He truly IS The Great Comforter. 

Sometime this fall I started noticing little things that God would put in my life.  I mean, I've always noticed some.  I have praised him for the beauty around me.  I've praised him for sweet little things that I know and recognize He put in my path.  I've praised him for His divine provision when I needed it most.  But this fall it became obvious that he'd send me a little love note now and again.  I'm not even sure why I started calling them love notes.  I don't know if I got it from the book I was reading at the time or if I got it from my friend with whom I was texting every evening as we healed from our divorces or if I just came up with it on my own.  I don't remember.  I only know that it stuck.  Because there is no other better way to describe what happens. 

What exactly is a love note from God?  Well, it is just a sweet sign that He sends to remind me of His love.  Of His unending grace.  Just something that lets me know that He is thinking of me.  Yeah.  HE thinks of ME.  He really does!  And He loves me so much that He delights in showing me.  EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Seriously!  The God of all creation, The Most High King, Christ my Redeemer, my Great Comforter....He takes time out of His busy day to show me that I am important to Him.  That I do matter.  And that He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me. 

My favorite love notes this fall and winter have been the sunrises and sunsets.  They have been glorious this year.  So much so that I often have to pull off on the side of the road and just watch.  Sometimes with tears streaming down my face.  Other times it is the glory of a bright sunny day.  Other times it is an unexpected bright full moon as I come around a curve in the road.  Other times it is a surprise blessing like coming home to a plowed driveway or a pile of firewood.  (Neither of which have yet been claimed by the giver.  I love it when He leads people to do good deeds in secret!) Once it was even someone paying for my coffee and breakfast at Starbucks in a giant "pay it forward" loop.  Today it was an unseasonably warm morning and a clear sky.  I was able to curl up under a blanket on my deck chair and watch the stars during my prayer time.  I've never once been able to do that.  I spent hours out there during the summer, but there are no stars in Alaska in the summer.  (ya know, because there is no darkness.  The stars are there, obviously, but we can't see them.)  And it has always been too cold or too wet or too icy to be on my deck in the winter.  This year, my deck is almost completely clear and I have left my chair out the whole time rather than putting it in storage.  Yay for laziness I guess. But this morning I snuggled out under my blanket and watched the stars and listened to the neighbor's chickens wake up.  And I cried out to my Savior and to my God. And it was so peaceful and so blessed that I knew this was yet another love note. 

I need to start one of those blessings jars or something and keep track of all of my love notes from God.  I started the hashtag on my Instagram when I posted pictures of the amazing sunrises and sunsets.  I use it on Facebook when I post about these amazing blessings.  But perhaps I should start recording them.  Every one.  Every amazing breathtaking tear-inducing love note. 

Have you taken time to notice the love notes that He sends you?  Stop and pray today and ask Him to show you.  Just ask for a love note.  When I'm feeling sad or down or discouraged I will ask for one.  I will ask Him to remind me. I feel selfish doing so, but honestly what parent doesn't delight when their child comes up and asks for a hug?  It is the exact same thing!  So do it.  Ask Him.  Ask Him for a love note and just sit back and watch.  It may not be immediate, like my surprise full moon was.  (seriously, remind me to tell you that story.  I sobbed.  It was so incredible.)  But He WILL answer.  Because He LOVES to show how much He loves us. Just try it!  Ask.  And watch.

My God is so amazing. 

When Moose Fly

I had quite an exciting morning.  So exciting that it is too long for a Facebook post.  So you get to read it here.  Lucky you.  :)

In the mornings I drive Eldest across town to catch the commuter bus into Anchorage.  I then drop Youngest at school on my way back home, where I exercise and do Bible study before going to work.  Right now the sun doesn't come up until well after 9 am and we have no snow (what is THAT about??) so it is super dark.  Soon snow will work as a reflector and make things appear much brighter.  For now, though, think the blackest black you can imagine and you may come a little close.  Maybe.

Today I had just dropped Youngest and was heading home.  I was stopped at a stoplight just before the two lanes merge into one. My light turned green and a car came barreling down the soon-to-end lane and passed me.  I even commented to myself that they are an accident waiting to happen. (Also, I may or may not have called the driver an idiot...)

Just as he got to the merge point I saw his taillights start to spin.  I slammed on my brakes just as a moose came flying at me.  A moose.  Well, not flying through the air, more like spinning toward me along the road.  Legs flailing and spinning like a top. I swerved sharply to the left to avoid the moose as it spun away to the right.  The speed demon somehow managed to regain control and pulled to the side of the road.  The car behind me slammed on their brakes and had to figure out where to go, as I took the left and the moose took the right.  He finally followed me to the left.  I saw that the speed demon was ok, so I kept driving; as did the car behind me.

Then I started to shake.

Oh my goodness.  God loves me SO MUCH!!  Do you realize that if the speed demon hadn't cut me off at the light, I would have hit the moose??  And then the flying moose almost hit me. And frankly, it was close enough that I probably have chunks of hair on my car.  Have you ever seen a moose get hit?  I had no idea chunks of hair flew everywhere like that.  I am glad the speed demon was ok, but selfishly,  I'm even more glad that it was not me.  I only have one vehicle.  I don't have the money to get a new one.  Even if my car was totaled, I'm pretty sure the insurance would only be enough to pay it off, not to replace it. 

And I was wearing workout clothes as I planned to go directly to my treadmill when I got home.  And nobody wants to see that standing on the side of the road talking to Troopers.  At least it was dark enough maybe no one would have noticed... ;)

Count your blessings my friends!  And let me just say one more time:  My God is so amazing!  I am so thankful for his protection this morning!  How have you been blessed today? 

The Perfect Marriage. Or not.

As a young girl, I craved the day that I would be married.  All I wanted was to be a wife and mother.  I loved reading about marriage in the Bible.  I desperately wanted to be the Proverbs 31 woman; the Titus 2 woman.  When I did get married, I strove for that.  Of course I am not perfect.  No one is.  For almost 23 years I prayed and I prayed and I submitted to my husband, I supported my husband, and I loved my husband.  I followed those scriptures to the best of my human ability.  Of course I messed up.  Of course sometimes I didn't do it with a loving heart.  Of course I never achieved the status of The Perfect Wife.  Because.  I.  Am.  Human.  But I drew closer to the Lord and I did what I was called to do.

And you know what?  After almost 23 years, my husband walked out.

But......what??  All of the lessons on marriage that I've ever seen seem to imply that if you do all of these things; if you submit, if you respect, if you honor, if you love; enough, your marriage will be perfect.  You will be The Perfect Wife.  And because you have achieved that status, your husband will automatically become The Perfect Husband.  He will see you following the scriptures and he will automatically fall into his defined roles as well.  And you will have The Perfect Marriage. 

Dear Sisters, I'm so so sorry, but this is a lie.

There is no such thing as The Perfect Marriage.  Here on Earth, at least.  The Perfect Marriage is not between a man and a woman.  There is absolutely nothing you can do to create it.  The ONLY Perfect Marriage will be between Christ and His Church.

Should you then throw in the towel?  Don't even bother to try?  Absolutely not!  While you will not achieve The Perfect Marriage, you should most definitely follow scriptures. You should most definitely study and pray and follow the Lord.  You should submit, encourage, love, respect, and help your husband.

But you should know, my dear Sister, you should know that not only are you human, but your husband is too.  And as humans, we have free will.  And sometimes humans choose to sin.  Sometimes they choose to walk away from a wife who trying to be Godly and Christlike. Sometimes they will see your efforts and say "Meh." and decide they don't want it.  Sometimes they will turn their back on their wife, on their children, and on their church and will follow after the lusts of the flesh. 

Does this mean that you, the spurned wife, are a failure?  Does this mean that God has cast you aside as well?  Is He punishing you?  I say no.  I say that if you are praying and following God, and your husband chooses to turn his back and walk away, this is HIS sin.  Yes, it will be devastating.  You will have to do things you never dreamed you'd have to do.  Divorce agreements, custody arrangements, child support, court dates, visitation schedules.....these are all horrible horrible things I never dreamed I'd have to know about.  I never wanted to know about.  I STILL don't want to know about.  But sadly, these are things I'm learning.  Do you want to know what else I'm learning?  I'm learning that though my husband is human and has chosen to sin, my Father is not.  And He can not sin.  And He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me.  He has shown me time and again that He is the Great Provider.  He is the Great Comforter.  And most amazingly, HE is my husband!  And He fits that role better than any human man will ever be able to.

So, Sister, if you are in my shoes, if you are hurting and struggling, please please lean on God.  Please know that your husband's choices are not a reflection of your own walk with God.  Please know that even if you have done everything you thought a wife was supposed to do and that your marriage was supposed to be The Perfect Marriage, you were still married to a human man.  A human man who had every right to make his own choices and there is nothing you could have done to stop that.  God granted your husband free will, just as He did you.  And if your husband chose sin, even after you did everything you thought you could do, your husband will answer to that sin.  Not you.

And by "you" I, of course, mean "me".  And by "your husband" I, of course, mean "my husband"  Because this is all about my own failed marriage. And this is all to myself.  And of course this does not describe every failed marriage.  Of course you can switch the roles around and have a Godly husband whose wife chose the sinful path.  And of course there are marriages where both have checked out.  And of course there are three sides to every story.  (yours, mine, and the truth)  But if you are hurting, if you are where I am today, please know that YOU ARE LOVED.

Isaiah 54:5-6  "For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.  For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou was refused, saith thy God."