When Moose Fly

I had quite an exciting morning.  So exciting that it is too long for a Facebook post.  So you get to read it here.  Lucky you.  :)

In the mornings I drive Eldest across town to catch the commuter bus into Anchorage.  I then drop Youngest at school on my way back home, where I exercise and do Bible study before going to work.  Right now the sun doesn't come up until well after 9 am and we have no snow (what is THAT about??) so it is super dark.  Soon snow will work as a reflector and make things appear much brighter.  For now, though, think the blackest black you can imagine and you may come a little close.  Maybe.

Today I had just dropped Youngest and was heading home.  I was stopped at a stoplight just before the two lanes merge into one. My light turned green and a car came barreling down the soon-to-end lane and passed me.  I even commented to myself that they are an accident waiting to happen. (Also, I may or may not have called the driver an idiot...)

Just as he got to the merge point I saw his taillights start to spin.  I slammed on my brakes just as a moose came flying at me.  A moose.  Well, not flying through the air, more like spinning toward me along the road.  Legs flailing and spinning like a top. I swerved sharply to the left to avoid the moose as it spun away to the right.  The speed demon somehow managed to regain control and pulled to the side of the road.  The car behind me slammed on their brakes and had to figure out where to go, as I took the left and the moose took the right.  He finally followed me to the left.  I saw that the speed demon was ok, so I kept driving; as did the car behind me.

Then I started to shake.

Oh my goodness.  God loves me SO MUCH!!  Do you realize that if the speed demon hadn't cut me off at the light, I would have hit the moose??  And then the flying moose almost hit me. And frankly, it was close enough that I probably have chunks of hair on my car.  Have you ever seen a moose get hit?  I had no idea chunks of hair flew everywhere like that.  I am glad the speed demon was ok, but selfishly,  I'm even more glad that it was not me.  I only have one vehicle.  I don't have the money to get a new one.  Even if my car was totaled, I'm pretty sure the insurance would only be enough to pay it off, not to replace it. 

And I was wearing workout clothes as I planned to go directly to my treadmill when I got home.  And nobody wants to see that standing on the side of the road talking to Troopers.  At least it was dark enough maybe no one would have noticed... ;)

Count your blessings my friends!  And let me just say one more time:  My God is so amazing!  I am so thankful for his protection this morning!  How have you been blessed today? 

The Call of the Wild

My favorite poet, Wendell Berry, said it best:

The Peace of Wild Things 

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Lately I've been feeling that same draw. Not to escape despair,  but to feel closer to my Savior. My heart swells and I feel like I am going to explode with the sheer force of His love.  I have to get out of the hustle and bustle of my life,  away from civilization,  and drink in the beauty of His creation. I soak it up like a sponge. I can't get enough of it. 

I have been making it a point to notice the love notes that He sends me on a daily basis.  And oh there are SO many!!  For starters, where I live.  Alaska is breathtaking.  And He is  painting a daily masterpiece for me.  I love that Alaska has such amazing differences in daylight hours between summer and winter. In the summer I see neither sunrise nor sunset.  In the winter, however, I get to see each and every one. I've occasionally noticed them, but only when it is spectacularly amazing. Well, guess what.  I don't know if I'm just now noticing or if my Creator is just really putting on a show this year, but wow.  Just.  Wow.  

Yesterday I escaped.  Just me.  The sun was shining and I was chomping at the bit.  Almost buzzed.  Antsy.  Thursday is my early-off day so I hopped in my car and took off.  I drove into Willow and pulled off at a turnout area that gave a perfect view of Denali.  He is a little ethereal.  Sometimes he is bright and glorious.  Other times he can't be seen at all.  Yesterday he looked rather like a hologram or even a watermark on paper.  Just barely visible.  As I sat and watched, he completely disappeared.  The weather there is often different than the weather here and apparently they were pretty hazy.  It was still an amazing blessing to watch him change before my very eyes.  Sadly, he was too light to be captured on camera.

And yes, I call Denali "him".  Denali means "The Great One".  And the two smaller mountains beside him, whose names I can never remember, mean "Wife of the Great One" and "Son of the Great One."  Therefore; male.  (Sorry, my readers who insist he's female.  Can't argue with the Natives who named him!)  ;)

After he disappeared, I still had some time before I needed to head back into town so I kept going.  I blared my praise music and sang until I was hoarse.  I gloried in the amazing creation around me.  I turned around at the Kashwitna River and headed back home.  Along the way I stopped for some snaps of my mom's favorite mountain, Susitna, or The Sleeping Lady.  

Then on to pick up my son from school, where I took this shot from the parking lot.  I mean really.  From the parking lot of his high school.  Is there anywhere more fabulous than Alaska??  I think not.

(These are all taken with a phone. Just imagine if I had a real camera. And, you know, had a clue what I was doing...)

God is so amazing.  <3

Beautiful vs Sexy

On someone's recommendation, I have been reading the book Captivating and working through the accompanying workbook.  This has spurred the most amazing healing.  I can't even put into words how God has changed my heart with the teachings in this book.  Seriously, ladies, go read it. Enter with much prayer and ask Jesus to open your heart to hear what He would have you to hear. Men, go buy it for your women and encourage them to work through it.  Be prepared for a lot of tears.  Better yet, give them some time alone to process what they are reading.  And honestly, the author has a version for men titled Wild At Heart.  Go get it for yourself.  I haven't read it yet but if it is half as good as Captivating, you need it. 

Part of this book talks about the importance of beauty.  And how we all have beauty to share.  And how beauty is not on the outside, but radiates from the inside out. It talks about how the most beautiful woman they know is in her 70s.  How she lights a room when she enters and everyone flocks to her and wants to be near her because she's so overwhelmingly beautiful.

And that's wonderful and fabulous to think that it may be possible to achieve such beauty and to be able to shine the love of Jesus out through my pores like that.

But in my brain, I have a terrible time separating beautiful from sexy.  If you find the word sexy offensive, let's replace it with attractive.  Physically appealing to a member of the opposite gender.

Is this a cultural thing?  Is this simply because I'm ever more aware of my own lack of attractiveness and am clinging to the hope that I will eventually find someone who does not mind a little extra weight (ok, a lot...), splotchy skin, saggy everything, stretch marks, grey hair, wrinkles, etc.?  Is it because I remember once being beautiful, attractive, maybe even sexy...and I miss it?  Is it just me?

Or do you struggle the same? When I say someone is beautiful, what do you picture? Do you picture young, thin, long flowing hair, clear skin, red lips?  Or do you picture old, overweight, grey hair, wrinkles, but as welcoming as a warm chocolate chip cookie?

When a woman wants to feel desired, does she mean she wants people to want to be around her and bask in the love of Christ?  Or does she mean she wants a man to find her physically attractive and want to be with her in a more physically intimate way?   And what of us old, overweight, wrinkly, physically unattractive women who may one day want to be physically attractive to a man? Are we just out of luck?  Are we doomed to a life of physical loneliness?

And does it matter?

These are the things that are wrestling in my brain. Do I want to be beautiful or do I want to be physically attractive to the opposite gender?  Are they different?  Are there men out there who don't mind old, overweight, wrinkly, and grey?  Who not only want to be around us because we are beautiful on the inside, but who also want to be with us because they find our outside attractive in spite of the things that our culture finds unattractive?

And vice versa.  What about us?  Who are we looking for?  Does our potential mate have to be young and physically strong and hulky?

I have seen men that I find physically unattractive attract a spouse.  I myself have found men physically unattractive until I get to know them.  They become attractive as their personality shows.  Is it the same for us?  Can my glowing personality (ha) make me physically attractive in the eyes of some kind man in the future?

Or does it even matter?  I do miss having a partner. I miss having someone to cuddle on cold nights. Someone to help around the house.  Someone to hike with.  Someone to have morning devotionals with.  Some to pray with me.  Someone to curl next to on the couch while we talk about our hopes and dreams for the future, or watch a movie, or just...sit.   Someone to exercise with.  Someone to cook for.  Someone to spoil.  Someone to do my laundry (ok, now I'm just dreaming.  LOL)

But if I had to choose between being physically attractive and beautiful...the beauty that comes from Christ shining through me...I'm glad I have Christ.  And through Him, I am beautiful.  If I can get over my selfish desire to be physically attractive (which, lets face it, is a losing battle.  Those days are long gone), if I will focus on HIM and let him transform me, I will grow more and more beautiful.  And He will bless me. And I will share His love to all those around me.

And that is all that matters.