It Isn't About Escaping

I think I've always been a nomad. Maybe that's where my "gypsy" comes from.  When I get stressed, when I get overwhelmed, and sometimes just...for no reason, I need to GO.

I remember as a child, this urge wasn't as strong. However, I always played that I was on a wagon train, leaving the world I knew behind and going West to an unknown land.  Or I pretended I was a reporter on assignment writing amazing news about far-away lands. I dreamed of going to Space Camp and growing up to be an astronaut.  Star Trek and Star Wars were my favorite fantasies.  Lost in Space sounded like pure heaven.  The knights of medieval times going on their quests.  Lewis and Clark exploring the new land.

I wanted to be exotic.  I hated my bland white skin and mousy hair and mismatched eyes.  I was boring. I wanted to be beautiful.  Some other skin tone, wild textured curly hair, any eye shape besides boring old round (as long as they matched.  I have a round one and an almond one. What is that about??)  I wanted to learn new languages.  I wanted to be anything but a poor white girl from southeast Missouri.

Don't get me wrong.  I loved my family.  I loved my life. My childhood was wonderful. I just wanted....more.

As I got older I loved long walks down our dirt road.  Alone.  Just me and my thoughts.  Or in high school I loved to go for a run or a long bike ride with my best friend.  We wouldn't talk.  We'd just go. No words were necessary.

This mostly stopped when I became an adult.  I don't remember the drive to wander being so strong.  Maybe because my now ex-husband moved us literally every year to year and a half.  (I just turned 43 and will be moving out of my 33rd residence soon.  This is not an exaggeration.) Or maybe because I was too busy raising kids, homeschooling, then working long hours.  Maybe it actually was still there, made evident by the field trips, hikes, and camping trips.

However, after my divorce a few years ago, I discovered this weird thing about myself.  One day I was really wishing I could go see Denali, my favorite mountain.  But I didn't know of anywhere nearby where he was visible.  Until my boss mentioned that there was a breathtaking view just about 30-45 minutes away.  I had time to kill that afternoon, so I took off right after work.  That short drive was amazing.  I cranked up my music and drove and sang and let my hair blow in the wind of the open window.  I stopped and took photos wherever I wanted.  I stopped for ice cream all by myself. And I prayed.  And I cried.  And I rejoiced. And I felt cleansed.  I felt renewed.

I felt alive.

Since then, I will sometimes feel the draw.  I say my gypsy is calling.  I say my gypsy is demanding a trip.  I often can't explain it.

Tonight my husband and I were discussing how I desperately want to take a day trip tomorrow.  Except that our lives are in turmoil right now. We have 2 vehicles that aren't running at all and a third that does well to limp around town.  We have currently borrowed my father-in-law's vehicle to help us move things into storage, and that's the only vehicle we have that could possibly make the trip.  However, I'm not about to ask to drive that one 2 hours away.  I don't want that kind of responsibility.  I'd never forgive myself if something happened to that truck.  And besides, borrowing that truck was not for my pleasure, but for necessity. And obviously a trip 2 hours away isn't a necessity.   To normal people, anyway.

My husband asked tonight WHY I felt I needed this trip.  Why did I want to go?  I wasn't sure what to say, other than that I just DO.  I used the word I always use....escape.  I just need to escape. I just need to run away and blow off some steam.  Doesn't he ever want to just go and have fun and forget everything?  He said yes of course he does.  But he also knows that he has responsibilities and has to do the smart thing.  I sighed deeply and said that I know.  I of all people know.  That's all I ever do.  2 jobs.  Work 7 days a week between the two of them.  Zero fun.  Ever.  Yeah, I got it.

Later, after he was asleep and as I was trying to shake the gloom that settled over me during that conversation (otherwise known as trying to calm my gypsy) it hit me.  I know why I have to drive.  I know why I need a solo day trip.  It isn't escape at all.

I drive because that's how I reconnect with myself.  When I lose touch with who I am, when I find myself lost in the sea of other people's expectations, when I can't see my way out of a tunnel with no light at the end...that is when I feel the cry of the gypsy.  That's when I get restless.  That's when I have to drive and sing and pray and cry and rejoice.  That's when I have to go and get some clarity.

I'm not escaping.  I'm uncovering.  I'm digging out.  I'm pushing through the muck and finding the sun so I can bloom again.

Unfortunately, I will not be taking my deeply needed day trip tomorrow.  I am trying very hard to be ok with that.  As always, I will get over it.  My gypsy will not be pleased and tomorrow will likely be a struggle.  But it does feel good to have this epiphany.  I don't need to escape.  I just need to reconnect. I need to reboot myself.

I need to find ME again.

“Like a flower she grows towards the light, without thinking or examining the process which moves her to do so. I wish I could do the same.” 
― Joanne Harris, Chocolat

Who are you?

Have you ever considered that question?  Who are you?  What does that even mean?  Are you always the same person?  Ok, that sounds weird.  But hang with me here...

Think back to when you were a kid.  What did you want to be when you grew up?  I had several.  Here is a list of things I've wanted to be throughout my life:

• stay-at-home mom
• marine biologist
• detective
• secretary
• writer
• reporter
• model
• crime scene investigator (before CSI cracked open that world to the general public, thankyouverymuch)
• forensic anthropologist (before Bones, too!)
• funeral director
• own a bakery/coffee shop
• forest ranger
• physical trainer
• nutritionist
• histologist

Do you have a list like this?  Are there any links between them, even if they are seemingly random?  For instance, several of mine seem to revolve around health and science.  Others around helping people.  What does this mean for me?  Does this mean that I've always been the same person, down in my core?  Maybe.  Maybe it's just a coincidence.  Either way, I find it interesting.  

Did you choose to follow through with one of the jobs on your list?  In my life, I've held more than my fair share of jobs, some of which were on my first list.  Others, not so much.

• Secretary/Admin Assistant
• Loan Officer
• Supervisor in a call center
• Call center specialist
• Fountain help/sandwich maker/restaurant cashier
• Day care worker (every age, from babies to school age)
• At-home medical transcriptionist
• Pathology lab assistant
• Retail store cashier
• Writer (publishing several magazine articles, homeschool unit studies, and online articles on a variety of subjects, as well as a few blogs over the years)
• Stay-at-home, homeschool mom
• a variety of MLM companies
• Marketing from home for a magazine
• Freelance copy editor

I'm 42 years old and have yet to develop a "life long career".

My sister brought up the topic of spiritual gifts and talents a few days ago. This spurred a conversation with all 4 of us along with our mom.  I asked Mom what she thought, as our mother, were each of our gifts.  She said that in me she sees compassion, understanding, and I have a calming effect on people. That  I'm able to "calm people in their ridiculousness".  (I sure love my Mummy!)

I coached my sister when she was in labor, and that was absolutely amazing.  That I was able to take this woman who was struggling and able to help her focus and breathe and calm down...as much as possible in the process of your body opening up to squeeze out a small human...was the coolest thing ever.  Maybe I should add Birth Assistant/Doula to that top list.  Or even a Death Doula.  

Anyway, the point is this.  Am I the same person I was back when I dreaming those dreams?  Not really.  Life happened.  Things changed.  I changed.  But the fact that there seems to be a common thread would indicate that maybe, at my core, I've been the same me all along.  And maybe its an indication of what I should do with my life.  

If I could just get to the point that I can figure it out and make it happen.

How the Mighty Have Fallen

A few years ago I was all about being frugal, self sufficient, from-scratch cooking and baking, all-natural everything, and exercise.  All of which are awesome.  Except I was prideful. Very very prideful.  I was proud that I was able to do that for my family.  Proud that I was good at it. Proud that people looked at me in awe.  And I loved that I was doing what was "best" for my family.  Setting a good example. I didn't think I was judgmental, but looking back maybe I was.  I felt sorry for those who didn't live that way.  Those poor silly people...stuck in the rut of processed foods.  "Microwave Mommas" who didn't provide the very best for their families.  So sad.  I shook my head at women in the grocery store whose carts were full of boxed meals and not much, if any, produce to speak of.

Don't get me wrong, I love that I was able to be a "Granola Girl".  I still have my grain mill and my Bosch mixer.  I still miss making bread and cooking from scratch.  I miss "real" food.  I miss how great I felt when I was working out and eating "clean".

But life isn't all about that.  In one moment, it all crashed down.  I went from a great paying job to being a single mom on welfare.  And then I got off welfare.  And then I got a second job.  And now I'm struggling to make ends meet and struggling to find time to breathe, let alone cook. Today I dashed to the grocery store and was struck by what I had in my cart.  I had bananas, apples, kiwi, and mango.  And I had milk and cheese.  And then I had frozen ravioli, Hamburger Helper, Rice A Roni, macaroni and cheese, and ramen.  Sigh.  And I often buy frozen meals for my lunches.

I used to judge people for this.  Yep. I did.  And now I understand that it isn't always an option.  I do the best I can with what I have.  And that means time and money, both.   I don't even have time to meal prep like I once felt was absolutely necessary.  I realize I could provide healthier meals, etc, if I used my day off for meal prep.  Except I don't get days off.  Like, ever.  And on the off bizarre chance that the planets align and I do I get one off I tend to use it to rest. Because I HAVE to.   And you know what? That's ok.

Marco....

I haven't blogged in a year.  Wow.  I've missed writing.  I have lists of blog posts I wanted to write.  However, life happened.  Here's a recap:

Jan--my last blog post.  Love notes from God.  I still get them. Regularly.  My God is still amazing.  :)  At this point in Jan 2015, I was dipping my toes in the dating waters.  Interesting experience.

Feb--I jumped head first into the dating waters and joined Match.com.  I nearly vomited, I was so nervous.  I signed up for just 1 month.  Got a few interesting emails, chatted with a few men. One of those progressed from messages through Match to texting. To phone calls.  To meeting in person.  I met Mr. Wonderful for coffee on Feb 28.

March--Continued seeing Mr. Wonderful.  Got a second job. My Granny died.  Trip to MO for the funeral.

April--Life in full force chaos.  2 jobs, new relationship.

May--Youngest graduated from high school.  My parents came up.  Had a great visit. They met Mr. Wonderful.  The boys and I moved from the large house into a smaller apartment.  Mr. Wonderful's dad came in for the summer and I got to meet him.

   

June--I cut my hair back into a pixie...and dyed it red! My sons went to visit their grandmother and other family in MO.  I turned 42.  Still working 2 jobs, now deeply in love with Mr. Wonderful.  We went on a photo road trip for me to show him my favorite mountain viewing spot and got trapped by a forest fire. Turned out to be the best unexpected overnight trip ever.  Mr Wonderful's sister and their dad's girlfriend came in.  I met his nieces, nephew, and their families as well. (or was that in July??)




July--My sons came back from MO with their cousin, who spent the month of July with us.  I felt guilty because I worked so much he didn't get to see as much as I'd have hoped.  Luckily, this was his second trip to Alaska, so he at least experienced it well the first time.  We did do a few day trips, though, so that was good.  Attended Mr. Wonderful's dad's small wedding.  My oldest bought his first car!



August--My youngest moved into his dorm at college, about an hour away. He comes on home weekends, though, so I haven't been in mourning too much.  Grateful I get to see him so often!



September--Skating through life, trying to squeeze in time to see my kids and Mr. Wonderful while hours were increasing at my second job.  September is honestly a blur.  I don't remember much, except that we celebrated Mr. Wonderful's birthday a week late because he was sick on his actual birthday.

October--Job 2 hours were insane.  I had to dress in costume for every shift, which proved interesting.  My lupus flared up intensely and a lot of that month is a blur, too.  One thing stands out, however.  Mr. Wonderful proposed and of course I accepted.  We began planning a March 14, 2016 wedding. I met Mr. Wonderful's older son and his girlfriend, both of whom were awesome.  His dad and step-mother went back to Arizona.

November--Thanksgiving at Mr. Wonderful's house.  Hours decreased a little after Halloween.  Wedding planning in full force.



December--Christmas.  And wedding plans came to an abrupt halt when we hit some scheduling conflicts and decided to just do it while his sister was in town for the holidays.  So....on December 28 I became Mrs. Wonderful!!


Wait...what??  Yep.  I got married a little less than 3 weeks ago!  I never ever thought I'd get married again.  I guess God had other plans. I'll fill you in a little later, if I catch a few minutes of free time any time soon.  As it is, I need to get ready to go to Job 2.  My lupus is still aggravated and I forgot what it feels like to NOT be in pain all the time.  I only get to attend church on Sunday mornings, if I'm lucky.  And I haven't had a whole day off since New Years Day. And the only reason I had it off was because it was a holiday.  Like I said, though, I still have a list of blog topics I want to touch on, so maybe I'll be around soon.  Maybe...