The Perfect Marriage. Or not.

As a young girl, I craved the day that I would be married.  All I wanted was to be a wife and mother.  I loved reading about marriage in the Bible.  I desperately wanted to be the Proverbs 31 woman; the Titus 2 woman.  When I did get married, I strove for that.  Of course I am not perfect.  No one is.  For almost 23 years I prayed and I prayed and I submitted to my husband, I supported my husband, and I loved my husband.  I followed those scriptures to the best of my human ability.  Of course I messed up.  Of course sometimes I didn't do it with a loving heart.  Of course I never achieved the status of The Perfect Wife.  Because.  I.  Am.  Human.  But I drew closer to the Lord and I did what I was called to do.

And you know what?  After almost 23 years, my husband walked out.

But......what??  All of the lessons on marriage that I've ever seen seem to imply that if you do all of these things; if you submit, if you respect, if you honor, if you love; enough, your marriage will be perfect.  You will be The Perfect Wife.  And because you have achieved that status, your husband will automatically become The Perfect Husband.  He will see you following the scriptures and he will automatically fall into his defined roles as well.  And you will have The Perfect Marriage. 

Dear Sisters, I'm so so sorry, but this is a lie.

There is no such thing as The Perfect Marriage.  Here on Earth, at least.  The Perfect Marriage is not between a man and a woman.  There is absolutely nothing you can do to create it.  The ONLY Perfect Marriage will be between Christ and His Church.

Should you then throw in the towel?  Don't even bother to try?  Absolutely not!  While you will not achieve The Perfect Marriage, you should most definitely follow scriptures. You should most definitely study and pray and follow the Lord.  You should submit, encourage, love, respect, and help your husband.

But you should know, my dear Sister, you should know that not only are you human, but your husband is too.  And as humans, we have free will.  And sometimes humans choose to sin.  Sometimes they choose to walk away from a wife who trying to be Godly and Christlike. Sometimes they will see your efforts and say "Meh." and decide they don't want it.  Sometimes they will turn their back on their wife, on their children, and on their church and will follow after the lusts of the flesh. 

Does this mean that you, the spurned wife, are a failure?  Does this mean that God has cast you aside as well?  Is He punishing you?  I say no.  I say that if you are praying and following God, and your husband chooses to turn his back and walk away, this is HIS sin.  Yes, it will be devastating.  You will have to do things you never dreamed you'd have to do.  Divorce agreements, custody arrangements, child support, court dates, visitation schedules.....these are all horrible horrible things I never dreamed I'd have to know about.  I never wanted to know about.  I STILL don't want to know about.  But sadly, these are things I'm learning.  Do you want to know what else I'm learning?  I'm learning that though my husband is human and has chosen to sin, my Father is not.  And He can not sin.  And He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me.  He has shown me time and again that He is the Great Provider.  He is the Great Comforter.  And most amazingly, HE is my husband!  And He fits that role better than any human man will ever be able to.

So, Sister, if you are in my shoes, if you are hurting and struggling, please please lean on God.  Please know that your husband's choices are not a reflection of your own walk with God.  Please know that even if you have done everything you thought a wife was supposed to do and that your marriage was supposed to be The Perfect Marriage, you were still married to a human man.  A human man who had every right to make his own choices and there is nothing you could have done to stop that.  God granted your husband free will, just as He did you.  And if your husband chose sin, even after you did everything you thought you could do, your husband will answer to that sin.  Not you.

And by "you" I, of course, mean "me".  And by "your husband" I, of course, mean "my husband"  Because this is all about my own failed marriage. And this is all to myself.  And of course this does not describe every failed marriage.  Of course you can switch the roles around and have a Godly husband whose wife chose the sinful path.  And of course there are marriages where both have checked out.  And of course there are three sides to every story.  (yours, mine, and the truth)  But if you are hurting, if you are where I am today, please know that YOU ARE LOVED.

Isaiah 54:5-6  "For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.  For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou was refused, saith thy God."