Divorce is hard. Not just your average everyday hard. Not hard like a new diet or exercise plan hard. Not hard like going to work when you hate your job hard. Not hard like a spat with a dear friend hard. No, this is HARD. This is officially A Hard Thing. It is easy to lose oneself in the midst of divorce, to be sucked into the swirling vortex of sadness and uncertainty, to be overwhelmed by the whole thing and just disappear. So here are my survival tips, straight from the trenches.
1. Hide behind God
When my husband told me he wanted a divorce in February of this year, I went to the only place I could find comfort. I immersed myself in my Bible. Not even studying about divorce or marriage or any topic at all. Simply just reading the Word. So many verses and passages spoke to me during that time. It was an intimate bonding period with my Savior. It was so incredible. The Bible was His love letter to me and I soaked it up as much as I possibly could. Sadly, I've gotten out of that habit as intensely as it was at that time, and I miss it. When you are feeling overwhelmed, just open your Bible. When in doubt, open Psalms. Open Proverbs. Just open it anywhere and let God speak to your heart.
2. Don't isolate
It is seriously tempting to just completely withdraw from everyone and everything. Don't do it. You may want to wallow in self pity, self disgust, shame, and all of those dark and horrible things that Satan throws at you, but DON'T. It is imperative to surround yourself with love and support during this time. When the dark feelings overwhelm you, set aside time to truly feel them. Set a timer for 10 minutes, or 20, or 30, or whatever. Do nothing but FEEL those feelings. Sit in a room by yourself and allow yourself to wallow. Scream. Cry. Throw things if you must. Grieve, feel sorry for yourself, let it all out. But only for the allotted time. When your timer goes off, you are done. Dry your eyes, pick up your mess, hold your head high, and carry on. No more thinking those thoughts. Distract yourself. Call a friend. Take your kids to the park. When the dark thoughts enter your mind, take them captive. Shove them back until the next time you set aside to deal with them. Eventually you should be having them less and less.
If you don't know anyone who can relate to what you are going through, there are support resources online. I personally have found one that is for Christian women dealing with divorce. Picket Fences Divorce Recovery Ministries requires membership before you can enter the private forums. It is a safe and secure site for those of us who are looking for like-minded women who have been there. Another resource is Divorce Care. I just started and think it will be good.. If for nothing else than making new friends with single people, who are local and who know what I'm going through.
3. Ask for help
You don't have to do this alone. Suddenly becoming single is overwhelming. When he left in the Spring I was on medical leave with no income and no idea when I might be able to return to work. I had two teenaged sons, 3 dogs, a snake, and a 3 bedroom house. Not having income was terrifying. But my church and family scooped us up and helped us more than you can even imagine. Not just with cash, but also with food, rides to the doctor and school, and even helped me fill out assistance applications. Yes, I had to swallow my pride and apply for state assistance. I was mortified. But I had no choice.
And I don't just mean that kind of help. Even after my husband came back and then left again after 2 months, even though I'm now working full time, I still need help. I need help with hauling trash to the dump. I need help with car maintenance. I need help with lawn maintenance, etc. Just practical everyday "man stuff". It is easy to get overwhelmed with everything falling on just one plate now.
4. It's ok to the be the "Fun Mom"
Have you heard the term "Disney Dad" or "Fun Dad"? This is often used to describe the non-custodial parent trying to "buy the chidren's affection" by always making fun the top priority during visitations. No discipline, no rules. The children come home with loads of new gadgets and gizmos and gushing about how much fun they had. This often causes the custodial parent to get angry and bitter. Because "Really?? I can barely put food on the table and pay all the bills and stay on top of housework and homework and keep sports and scouts and church and playdate schedules and still try to maintain a semblance of normalcy...and HE doesn't have to worry about any of those things!"
Here's a secret though. Sometimes it is GOOD to be the fun mom. Or the Disney mom. You and your children have been through a huge trauma. I'm not saying go blow every penny you have and walk out of your job to take your kids on a trip around the world. I'm saying clip a few more coupons or serve mac and cheese with hot dogs for dinner and use that savings to take your kids to the movies. Or go bowling. Or do something totally free and go hiking. Take a picnic lunch and pack up your dogs and your kids and hit the trail. Or institute a family game night. No homework, no housework, no phones, no distractions. Just you and your kids playing a board game or a card game, or shoot, maybe even a multiplayer video game. Just SPEND TIME with your kids. Do something you've always wanted to do but had been put off. (Husband didn't approve? Husband's schedule wouldn't allow it?) After my husband left again last month, I actually had 2 weekends of being the fun mom. My kids and I did a few things we've been wanting to do for ages. We drove to our favorite town about 3 hours away and went to the Sea Life Center. Along the way we stopped at our favorite ice cream store and pizza place. We had a BLAST. It was awesome. And then, 2 weeks later, we went camping. Just the three of us. It was so peaceful and so blessed. I am so grateful that I spent the money on those trips. They weren't terribly expensive. Way less than a "real" vacation would have been. And so completely worth it. Did we have to tighten our belts a little bit because of it? Yes. Absolutely. But SO worth it!
5. Show yourself grace
I have a confession. My house is a disaster. Seriously. My laundry is piled up, floors aren't mopped, my kitchen table is hidden under mounds of mail and coats and...who knows what all, I have dirty dishes in my sink. I can't even tell you the last time I scrubbed the toilet. Yes, it is gross. Yes, I would probably die of embarrassment if someone showed up. Or maybe not. Because you know why? I'm kind of trying to heal over here. I have more important things to do. Like go to work. Like cook dinner. Like see to it that my sons make it to the bus stop and to school and that my car has gas and that we have milk and that the dogs have dog food and the cat has kitty litter and that we are all still breathing and emotionally doing ok. And yeah, my kids could do the chores, but guess what. Their dad just left them. They are healing too!
Divorce is one of the most stressful things a person can go through. Even though I feel like I'm dealing very well, my body still has symptoms of stress. Yeah, did you know that stress actually causes physical symptoms? Fatigue, weight loss or gain, insomnia, you may even get sick. Is a coincidence that I got the flu right after my husband told me he was leaving this spring? And is it another coincidence that I now have the worst cold in the history of human colds, a month after he left again? It could be, yeah. But our mind/emotions and our body are connected. They each have an effect on the other. One thing that I've read over and over as I read about divorce and talk to people who are going through it is that most of them are sleepy. Like, all the time. Naps are a big part of their lives. Why? Because our bodies heal while we sleep. Yes, excessive sleep is also a symptom of depression, which by the way is also something that can come from divorce. And if you find yourself napping TOO much, then definitely get checked out by your doctor.
But really...show yourself some grace. Divorce is A Big Deal. And it is A Hard Thing. And it will take some time to get into a new groove. It will take some time to heal. And if you are just too exhausted when you get home from work to deal with making your house look like the Queen is coming over, then don't worry about it. Lay on the couch and watch a movie with your kids. Trust me, the dishes will still be there tomorrow. Or even the next day. Rest when you need to rest. Don't worry about it. You will eventually get your energy back. Give your body what it needs. Focus on baby steps. Drink enough water. Eat more fruits and vegetables. Go for a walk or do even part of an exercise video. Be KIND to yourself. You are healing. Your wounds may not be visible, but they are real. And should be treated as such.
6. Be nice, but set boundaries
So many people I have talked with are struggling with their ex-spouse. People are hurting and they sometimes lash out at the person who has caused that pain. This often causes not-so-amicable divorces. That is completely understandable. Except that you really do have to be around each other for the rest of your lives if you have kids. You still have high school graduations, weddings, grandchildren....your ex-spouse will be there for those if he/she maintains any kind of relationship with your children at all. Wouldn't it be nice not to create a dramatic scene at your daughter's wedding? Yes, you are hurting. Yes, tension is high. But really....be nice. As nice as you can be. Even if he is not nice to you. Now, I'm not saying bend over backwards to accommodate him and let him walk all over you. No, not that at all. Stand up for your rights and those of your children. He still has responsibilities to them. But just don't pick fights. Don't call names. Don't get emotional. If you have a lawyer, communicate through them. Maintain your safe boundaries.
What sort of boundaries? Well, that's something with which I am struggling myself. I don't have those answers. You shouldn't talk to your ex-spouse unless absolutely necessary. At least not right now. Maybe you can be friends at some point in the future, I don't know. But that time is not now. Right now you need healing. And you can't get it if you are constantly on the line with him. Don't stalk his Facebook page. Don't be friends on Facebook. Don't stalk his friends' Facebook pages. And if there was adultery, don't stalk HER Facebook page either. Seriously. Just don't. Don't call him as your first choice if you have a problem. Unless it involves his children. When our son came home from work ill last week, I called my soon-to-be-ex-husband and asked if our son could crash at his place while I was in my doctor's appointment, as I didn't have time to take him home first. (My son rides the commuter bus and doesn't have a car) I could have made our son sit in the waiting room, but honestly who wants to do that? So instead he crashed on Dad's couch until my appointment was over. Yeah, I could have called a friend but there are responsibilities to being a parent. And this is one of them. Also, remember that your house is YOUR house. He no longer has a right to come in and out as he pleases. He can't just stop by unannounced. He can't come in without your permission. He has no right there unless you invite him. In fact, if there is drama then set up a public place for picking up/dropping of your kids for visitations.
7. Help others
This one seems a little counterproductive. How can you help others if you are struggling yourself? Well, there is your answer. Because you have been there. I'm not saying hang out a shingle and call yourself a divorce counselor. I'm just saying to look around. I'm willing to bet there is someone in your life who is hurting too. Maybe not due to divorce. But hurting and needing help. Whenever you feel strong enough, reach out your hand and help someone else. Call to see how they are feeling. Invite them over for coffee. Mail them a card. Just something to get your focus off of yourself and your own issues. It is easy to become completely self-involved and forget that everyone needs something. Turn those tables and help someone else. Who knows, the act of helping someone else may just help you, too!
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