Danger, Will Robinson!

Like seeing a shark swimming back and forth in a swimming pool, Thursday's divorce hearing has been looming in my otherwise safe and calm little world.  I try to go about my business, but it is always there.  I'm watching it out of the corner of my eye.  Sometimes turning to face it but getting overwhelmed and turning away again. Trying to ignore it.

Yet it keeps swimming closer and closer.

The TARDIS cloister bell, warning of immediate danger, is gonging in the back of my mind.  All day, every day.  

I hear a robot following me around shouting "Danger, Will Robinson!"

Red flashing lights.

"Bridge Out Ahead" warning signs.

Basically, it is consuming 90% of my thought processes.  I'm trying not to obsess.  But there it looms.

So I do what I always do when I feel out of control.  I micro-focus on the stupid little details.  What am I going to wear?  What earrings?  What shoes?  I'll take my makeup to work so I can touch up before court.  Because, you know, everyone needs to look pretty for their divorce hearing.  Really?  Who am I kidding.  It isn't about wanting to look pretty.  It is about needing to have some measure of control over an otherwise uncontrollable situation.  This is completely out of my hands and there is not one thing I can do about it. So I focus on the tiny things.  Who cares which color lipstick I bring...or that I bring it at all?

Well...me.  Because I need to feel confident and in control of SOMETHING.  Even if it is just the color of my lips.  So I am going to wear my pretty new dress, put on my lipstick, meet my Divorce Care leader for coffee and prayer, then march into that courtroom on my own two feet with my head held high.  While I am full of sorrow over his choice to rip this family to shreds, I know that God is taking amazing care of me and my sons and that we WILL be blessed.  While this hurts, and I can't even fathom how or why he got us to this point, I know that my sons and I will be just fine.

If all goes well, tomorrow will officially mark a new chapter in our lives.  And we are ready.