As mentioned before, my parents moved away late last December. Making this the first holiday season without them. And as you know, I recently got a divorce. Making this my first holiday as a single mom. As a single adult, actually, as I was 18 when I got married. I do have local sisters, but we've decided to celebrate on the Saturday following each holiday rather than on the day itself. Which means this is the weirdest holiday season I've ever had. I feel all out of sorts and kind of...wandering. Lost.
Thanksgiving has always meant a huge gathering of family and friends. I would get up in the middle of the night and put a turkey in the oven. I'd cook my traditional scalloped corn. And whatever else I'd been asked to bring. We'd drive to my parents' house, where they had invited 40+ people. We always had at least 2 turkeys and a ham. Along with every side dish you could ever imagine. A bread cornucopia filled with veggies. Paper covering the "kids table" so they could draw and color on the table while waiting for dinner to begin. Pecan pies, cherry pies, pumpkin pies, apple pies, pumpkin roll.....so much food. And so many people. So much love and fun.
This year...crickets. My local sisters had plans of their own, as we were meeting on Saturday. I didn't want to make a huge feast for just me and my 2 sons. And...who wants to sit home alone all day on Thanksgiving?? I was feeling at bit down and lonely, not going to lie. However, I have amazing friends. One of which was in a similar lost sort of situation. My boys and I were invited to spend Thanksgiving over there. Meanwhile, my friend was invited to someone else's house. Who then extended the invitation to me and my sons. So we wound up spending Thanksgiving with a friend...and a house full of strangers. And you know what? It was fabulous. I had a good time meeting new people and stepping out of my comfort zone.
But you know what else? After I got home, I still got sad. I have been doing so so well. I'm keeping my eyes on Christ, to the best of my ability. I've been rejoicing in the little things. I've been feeling so free and so alive and so blessed. But there I was....sad. After an amazing welcoming day. Weird. Then I realized...of COURSE I'm sad! This is a big year. There are HUGE changes this year. And it's ok to be sad a little bit.
And now here we are in the middle of December. And I'm feeling sad again. Lost. Everything is just....weird. I haven't even baked cookies and candies. What is THAT about?? And instead of spending Christmas Eve at my parents' annual Christmas Eve party (see above...it was very similar to the Thanksgiving party. Just add a few Christmas carols and Christmas portraits of each family taken in front of a beautiful Christmas tree...) I will be spending my Christmas Eve...........at home. Alone with my 2 sons I guess. And Christmas Day? More of the same. At some point they will need to see their dad, though we still don't have that scheduled worked out yet.
And to be honest, I miss having a partner. I miss having someone to go on romantic Christmas dates with. I miss having someone to giggle and plan secret gifts with. I miss having someone to pore over the Christmas budget and list with me. My favorite Christmas movie is being re-released to the big screen for the 60th anniversary. Playing this Sunday and Monday only. My greatest desire in the world is to put on my vintage dress with the poofy petticoat and dress to the nines. To have someone take me to a nice dinner, hold my hand, and open my door. To have him help me walk across the icy parking lot the theater. To put his arm around me in the movie. To laugh when I quote the whole movie word for word. And to pretend not to notice when I cry when they surprise the General, like I do every single Christmas of my life. Actually, the odds are good that I will be crying the entire time, seeing the movie on the big screen like it was meant to be seen.
Of course, I have amazing friends and family and my sister surprised me with tickets to the movie Monday night. She and I will wear our fancy dresses and go together. Not the same, but I'm still looking forward to it. And I have been invited to two Christmas parties, one this weekend and one next. Not to mention Christmas with my sisters on Dec 27. So it isn't like I'm alone the entire season.
But I'm not going to lie. I am not really looking forward to Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. They are going to difficult. And awkward. And lonely. Especially if my sons are with their dad. But I know that my Christ is there holding me. And He loves me. And He will never leave me, nor forsake me. And I know that I am loved by friends and family. And I know that God has a plan for me. And I am resting in that knowledge and in His amazing unending love. And I am content.
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