Marco....

I haven't blogged in a year.  Wow.  I've missed writing.  I have lists of blog posts I wanted to write.  However, life happened.  Here's a recap:

Jan--my last blog post.  Love notes from God.  I still get them. Regularly.  My God is still amazing.  :)  At this point in Jan 2015, I was dipping my toes in the dating waters.  Interesting experience.

Feb--I jumped head first into the dating waters and joined Match.com.  I nearly vomited, I was so nervous.  I signed up for just 1 month.  Got a few interesting emails, chatted with a few men. One of those progressed from messages through Match to texting. To phone calls.  To meeting in person.  I met Mr. Wonderful for coffee on Feb 28.

March--Continued seeing Mr. Wonderful.  Got a second job. My Granny died.  Trip to MO for the funeral.

April--Life in full force chaos.  2 jobs, new relationship.

May--Youngest graduated from high school.  My parents came up.  Had a great visit. They met Mr. Wonderful.  The boys and I moved from the large house into a smaller apartment.  Mr. Wonderful's dad came in for the summer and I got to meet him.

   

June--I cut my hair back into a pixie...and dyed it red! My sons went to visit their grandmother and other family in MO.  I turned 42.  Still working 2 jobs, now deeply in love with Mr. Wonderful.  We went on a photo road trip for me to show him my favorite mountain viewing spot and got trapped by a forest fire. Turned out to be the best unexpected overnight trip ever.  Mr Wonderful's sister and their dad's girlfriend came in.  I met his nieces, nephew, and their families as well. (or was that in July??)




July--My sons came back from MO with their cousin, who spent the month of July with us.  I felt guilty because I worked so much he didn't get to see as much as I'd have hoped.  Luckily, this was his second trip to Alaska, so he at least experienced it well the first time.  We did do a few day trips, though, so that was good.  Attended Mr. Wonderful's dad's small wedding.  My oldest bought his first car!



August--My youngest moved into his dorm at college, about an hour away. He comes on home weekends, though, so I haven't been in mourning too much.  Grateful I get to see him so often!



September--Skating through life, trying to squeeze in time to see my kids and Mr. Wonderful while hours were increasing at my second job.  September is honestly a blur.  I don't remember much, except that we celebrated Mr. Wonderful's birthday a week late because he was sick on his actual birthday.

October--Job 2 hours were insane.  I had to dress in costume for every shift, which proved interesting.  My lupus flared up intensely and a lot of that month is a blur, too.  One thing stands out, however.  Mr. Wonderful proposed and of course I accepted.  We began planning a March 14, 2016 wedding. I met Mr. Wonderful's older son and his girlfriend, both of whom were awesome.  His dad and step-mother went back to Arizona.

November--Thanksgiving at Mr. Wonderful's house.  Hours decreased a little after Halloween.  Wedding planning in full force.



December--Christmas.  And wedding plans came to an abrupt halt when we hit some scheduling conflicts and decided to just do it while his sister was in town for the holidays.  So....on December 28 I became Mrs. Wonderful!!


Wait...what??  Yep.  I got married a little less than 3 weeks ago!  I never ever thought I'd get married again.  I guess God had other plans. I'll fill you in a little later, if I catch a few minutes of free time any time soon.  As it is, I need to get ready to go to Job 2.  My lupus is still aggravated and I forgot what it feels like to NOT be in pain all the time.  I only get to attend church on Sunday mornings, if I'm lucky.  And I haven't had a whole day off since New Years Day. And the only reason I had it off was because it was a holiday.  Like I said, though, I still have a list of blog topics I want to touch on, so maybe I'll be around soon.  Maybe...

Love Notes From God

If you know me or have been reading my blog at all, you know that 2014 was not an easy year.  In fact, I'd go so far as to say it was the hardest year I've had.  However, it was also the best year I've had.  Which sounds insane, but let me explain.

Through all of that hardship and all of that turmoil, through the loss of my marriage, through the loss of my health, through the loss of my family traditions and comforts, through the loss of my job...God has kept me going.  He truly IS The Great Comforter. 

Sometime this fall I started noticing little things that God would put in my life.  I mean, I've always noticed some.  I have praised him for the beauty around me.  I've praised him for sweet little things that I know and recognize He put in my path.  I've praised him for His divine provision when I needed it most.  But this fall it became obvious that he'd send me a little love note now and again.  I'm not even sure why I started calling them love notes.  I don't know if I got it from the book I was reading at the time or if I got it from my friend with whom I was texting every evening as we healed from our divorces or if I just came up with it on my own.  I don't remember.  I only know that it stuck.  Because there is no other better way to describe what happens. 

What exactly is a love note from God?  Well, it is just a sweet sign that He sends to remind me of His love.  Of His unending grace.  Just something that lets me know that He is thinking of me.  Yeah.  HE thinks of ME.  He really does!  And He loves me so much that He delights in showing me.  EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Seriously!  The God of all creation, The Most High King, Christ my Redeemer, my Great Comforter....He takes time out of His busy day to show me that I am important to Him.  That I do matter.  And that He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me. 

My favorite love notes this fall and winter have been the sunrises and sunsets.  They have been glorious this year.  So much so that I often have to pull off on the side of the road and just watch.  Sometimes with tears streaming down my face.  Other times it is the glory of a bright sunny day.  Other times it is an unexpected bright full moon as I come around a curve in the road.  Other times it is a surprise blessing like coming home to a plowed driveway or a pile of firewood.  (Neither of which have yet been claimed by the giver.  I love it when He leads people to do good deeds in secret!) Once it was even someone paying for my coffee and breakfast at Starbucks in a giant "pay it forward" loop.  Today it was an unseasonably warm morning and a clear sky.  I was able to curl up under a blanket on my deck chair and watch the stars during my prayer time.  I've never once been able to do that.  I spent hours out there during the summer, but there are no stars in Alaska in the summer.  (ya know, because there is no darkness.  The stars are there, obviously, but we can't see them.)  And it has always been too cold or too wet or too icy to be on my deck in the winter.  This year, my deck is almost completely clear and I have left my chair out the whole time rather than putting it in storage.  Yay for laziness I guess. But this morning I snuggled out under my blanket and watched the stars and listened to the neighbor's chickens wake up.  And I cried out to my Savior and to my God. And it was so peaceful and so blessed that I knew this was yet another love note. 

I need to start one of those blessings jars or something and keep track of all of my love notes from God.  I started the hashtag on my Instagram when I posted pictures of the amazing sunrises and sunsets.  I use it on Facebook when I post about these amazing blessings.  But perhaps I should start recording them.  Every one.  Every amazing breathtaking tear-inducing love note. 

Have you taken time to notice the love notes that He sends you?  Stop and pray today and ask Him to show you.  Just ask for a love note.  When I'm feeling sad or down or discouraged I will ask for one.  I will ask Him to remind me. I feel selfish doing so, but honestly what parent doesn't delight when their child comes up and asks for a hug?  It is the exact same thing!  So do it.  Ask Him.  Ask Him for a love note and just sit back and watch.  It may not be immediate, like my surprise full moon was.  (seriously, remind me to tell you that story.  I sobbed.  It was so incredible.)  But He WILL answer.  Because He LOVES to show how much He loves us. Just try it!  Ask.  And watch.

My God is so amazing. 

Tis the Season (for Super Healing Chicken Soup!)

Did everyone survive Christmas?  We did.  Christmas Eve felt pretty sad, honestly, but we did live through it. Part of what made me sad was the loss of our traditions.  We did have a couple of different people invite us to their Christmas parties, and a local theater was playing It's A Wonderful Life.  We had sort of decided to go to the movie instead of a party.  However, when my son got off work he was sick and just wanted to go home.  Sooo, no new traditions started on Christmas Eve.  Instead it was home to rest.  Christmas day was nice, though.  He was still feeling poorly but we had a good time just being together.  We enjoyed talking with family through text and Skype as well.  It was nice and relaxing.


It does seem like my son's cold is going around.  Several people I know are sniffling and/or coughing and just generally feeling horrible.  Which means it is that time again.  Yep. Flu season.  In light of the creeping crud that seems to be...well....creeping...in, I think it is time to share my favorite cold remedy.  As usual, I really really don't use a real recipe.  Just add what you like.  And I measure nothing. I'm sorry.  But you get the general idea.

I usually start with a whole chicken.  Or if I've recently made chicken broth or roast chicken, I'll use the carcass and broth I saved.  You can use chicken breasts in a pinch, but to truly be immunity boosting you want the whole thing. You are also going to want to find celery with as many leaves as possible. It is simply distressing that store-bought celery has most of the leaves cut off.  This is where the nutrients are!  If you are lucky enough to have a farmer's market nearby that may accidentally have fresh celery, go for that!  If not, be sure you open up the celery and get the leaves out of the middle of the bunch. (Just a tip: apparently you can freeze celery leaves.  I haven't tried it yet, but the lady at my favorite farmer's market was telling me she does it all summer long so she'll have them for winter soups.)  You will also notice I didn't say how many garlic cloves to use.  I have no idea.  I use several.  Garlic is a natural antibiotic, so more is better!  You'll want to mince or press these. 

1 whole chicken
1 onion
fresh carrots, chopped
fresh celery, chopped.
garlic cloves
Spices to taste (sage, poultry seasoning, thyme, rosemary, salt, pepper, etc)
chicken broth or chicken bullion 
egg noodles


Boil chicken in chicken broth or water with chicken bullion.  Simmer until meat is falling off the bone, the longer the better.  I like to let it simmer for 1-2 hours if I can.  You want all the good stuff to leach out of those bones into your broth.  Scoop out the chicken and bones.  It should just fall all apart.  Set the chicken aside to cool.  Now add your vegetables and spices.  Personally, I hate cooked onions.  It is a texture issue with me.  I want all the nutrients out of it, without having to actually eat it.  So I simply drop a whole onion in there to boil.  As my vegetables are cooking, I start deboning the chicken and putting meat back into the boiling stockpot.  I don't often use all the meat so I will bag up the rest to use in a different meal later.  Once your veggies are done, add a bag of egg noodles and cook until they are soft.  Once the noodles are done, I scoop out the onion and press it against the side of the stockpot to squeeze out all the liquid I can.  And then, yes, I throw it away.  Don't judge.

This is our go-to soup when we have illness in the house.  I made it ahead of time when I had my surgery a few years ago, as well. Studies came out a few years ago showing that old-fashioned made-from-scratch homemade chicken soup like Grandma used to make really does help fight cold and flu. Even if it didn't, it certainly is one of my favorite comfort foods.  Enjoy!

Single For The Holidays

As mentioned before, my parents moved away late last December.  Making this the first holiday season without them.  And as you know, I recently got a divorce. Making this my first holiday as a single mom.  As a single adult, actually, as I was 18 when I got married.  I do have local sisters, but we've decided to celebrate on the Saturday following each holiday rather than on the day itself.  Which means this is the weirdest holiday season I've ever had.  I feel all out of sorts and kind of...wandering.  Lost.

Thanksgiving has always meant a huge gathering of family and friends.  I would get up in the middle of the night and put a turkey in the oven. I'd cook my traditional scalloped corn.  And whatever else I'd been asked to bring.  We'd drive to my parents' house, where they had invited 40+ people.  We always had at least 2 turkeys and a ham. Along with every side dish you could ever imagine.  A bread cornucopia filled with veggies.  Paper covering the "kids table" so they could draw and color on the table while waiting for dinner to begin.  Pecan pies, cherry pies, pumpkin pies, apple pies, pumpkin roll.....so much food.  And so many people. So much love and fun.

This year...crickets.  My local sisters had plans of their own, as we were meeting on Saturday.  I didn't want to make a huge feast for just me and my 2 sons.  And...who wants to sit home alone all day on Thanksgiving??  I was feeling at bit down and lonely, not going to lie.  However, I have amazing friends.  One of which was in a similar lost sort of situation.  My boys and I were invited to spend Thanksgiving over there.  Meanwhile, my friend was invited to someone else's house.  Who then extended the invitation to me and my sons.  So we wound up spending Thanksgiving with a friend...and a house full of strangers.  And you know what?  It was fabulous.  I had a good time meeting new people and stepping out of my comfort zone.

But you know what else?  After I got home, I still got sad.  I have been doing so so well.  I'm keeping my eyes on Christ, to the best of my ability.  I've been rejoicing in the little things. I've been feeling so free and so alive and so blessed.  But there I was....sad.  After an amazing welcoming day.  Weird.  Then I realized...of COURSE I'm sad!  This is a big year. There are HUGE changes this year.  And it's ok to be sad a little bit.

And now here we are in the middle of December.  And I'm feeling sad again.  Lost.  Everything is just....weird.  I haven't even baked cookies and candies. What is THAT about??  And instead of spending Christmas Eve at my parents' annual Christmas Eve party (see above...it was very similar to the Thanksgiving party.  Just add a few Christmas carols and Christmas portraits of each family taken in front of a beautiful Christmas tree...) I will be spending my Christmas Eve...........at home.  Alone with my 2 sons I guess.  And Christmas Day?  More of the same.  At some point they will need to see their dad, though we still don't have that scheduled worked out yet.

And to be honest, I miss having a partner.  I miss having someone to go on romantic Christmas dates with.  I miss having someone to giggle and plan secret gifts with.  I miss having someone to pore over the Christmas budget and list with me.  My favorite Christmas movie is being re-released to the big screen for the 60th anniversary. Playing this Sunday and Monday only.  My greatest desire in the world is to put on my vintage dress with the poofy petticoat and dress to the nines.  To have someone take me to a nice dinner, hold my hand, and open my door.  To have him help me walk across the icy parking lot the theater.  To put his arm around me in the movie.  To laugh when I quote the whole movie word for word. And to pretend not to notice when I cry when they surprise the General, like I do every single Christmas of my life. Actually, the odds are good that I will be crying the entire time, seeing the movie on the big screen like it was meant to be seen.

Of course, I have amazing friends and family and my sister surprised me with tickets to the movie Monday night. She and I will wear our fancy dresses and go together.  Not the same, but I'm still looking forward to it.  And I have been invited to two Christmas parties, one this weekend and one next.  Not to mention Christmas with my sisters on Dec 27.  So it isn't like I'm alone the entire season.

But I'm not going to lie.  I am not really looking forward to Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. They are going to difficult. And awkward. And lonely. Especially if my sons are with their dad.   But I know that my Christ is there holding me.  And He loves me.  And He will never leave me, nor forsake me.  And I know that I am loved by friends and family.  And I know that God has a plan for me.  And I am resting in that knowledge and in His amazing unending love.  And I am content.

When Moose Fly

I had quite an exciting morning.  So exciting that it is too long for a Facebook post.  So you get to read it here.  Lucky you.  :)

In the mornings I drive Eldest across town to catch the commuter bus into Anchorage.  I then drop Youngest at school on my way back home, where I exercise and do Bible study before going to work.  Right now the sun doesn't come up until well after 9 am and we have no snow (what is THAT about??) so it is super dark.  Soon snow will work as a reflector and make things appear much brighter.  For now, though, think the blackest black you can imagine and you may come a little close.  Maybe.

Today I had just dropped Youngest and was heading home.  I was stopped at a stoplight just before the two lanes merge into one. My light turned green and a car came barreling down the soon-to-end lane and passed me.  I even commented to myself that they are an accident waiting to happen. (Also, I may or may not have called the driver an idiot...)

Just as he got to the merge point I saw his taillights start to spin.  I slammed on my brakes just as a moose came flying at me.  A moose.  Well, not flying through the air, more like spinning toward me along the road.  Legs flailing and spinning like a top. I swerved sharply to the left to avoid the moose as it spun away to the right.  The speed demon somehow managed to regain control and pulled to the side of the road.  The car behind me slammed on their brakes and had to figure out where to go, as I took the left and the moose took the right.  He finally followed me to the left.  I saw that the speed demon was ok, so I kept driving; as did the car behind me.

Then I started to shake.

Oh my goodness.  God loves me SO MUCH!!  Do you realize that if the speed demon hadn't cut me off at the light, I would have hit the moose??  And then the flying moose almost hit me. And frankly, it was close enough that I probably have chunks of hair on my car.  Have you ever seen a moose get hit?  I had no idea chunks of hair flew everywhere like that.  I am glad the speed demon was ok, but selfishly,  I'm even more glad that it was not me.  I only have one vehicle.  I don't have the money to get a new one.  Even if my car was totaled, I'm pretty sure the insurance would only be enough to pay it off, not to replace it. 

And I was wearing workout clothes as I planned to go directly to my treadmill when I got home.  And nobody wants to see that standing on the side of the road talking to Troopers.  At least it was dark enough maybe no one would have noticed... ;)

Count your blessings my friends!  And let me just say one more time:  My God is so amazing!  I am so thankful for his protection this morning!  How have you been blessed today? 

The Call of the Wild

My favorite poet, Wendell Berry, said it best:

The Peace of Wild Things 

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Lately I've been feeling that same draw. Not to escape despair,  but to feel closer to my Savior. My heart swells and I feel like I am going to explode with the sheer force of His love.  I have to get out of the hustle and bustle of my life,  away from civilization,  and drink in the beauty of His creation. I soak it up like a sponge. I can't get enough of it. 

I have been making it a point to notice the love notes that He sends me on a daily basis.  And oh there are SO many!!  For starters, where I live.  Alaska is breathtaking.  And He is  painting a daily masterpiece for me.  I love that Alaska has such amazing differences in daylight hours between summer and winter. In the summer I see neither sunrise nor sunset.  In the winter, however, I get to see each and every one. I've occasionally noticed them, but only when it is spectacularly amazing. Well, guess what.  I don't know if I'm just now noticing or if my Creator is just really putting on a show this year, but wow.  Just.  Wow.  

Yesterday I escaped.  Just me.  The sun was shining and I was chomping at the bit.  Almost buzzed.  Antsy.  Thursday is my early-off day so I hopped in my car and took off.  I drove into Willow and pulled off at a turnout area that gave a perfect view of Denali.  He is a little ethereal.  Sometimes he is bright and glorious.  Other times he can't be seen at all.  Yesterday he looked rather like a hologram or even a watermark on paper.  Just barely visible.  As I sat and watched, he completely disappeared.  The weather there is often different than the weather here and apparently they were pretty hazy.  It was still an amazing blessing to watch him change before my very eyes.  Sadly, he was too light to be captured on camera.

And yes, I call Denali "him".  Denali means "The Great One".  And the two smaller mountains beside him, whose names I can never remember, mean "Wife of the Great One" and "Son of the Great One."  Therefore; male.  (Sorry, my readers who insist he's female.  Can't argue with the Natives who named him!)  ;)

After he disappeared, I still had some time before I needed to head back into town so I kept going.  I blared my praise music and sang until I was hoarse.  I gloried in the amazing creation around me.  I turned around at the Kashwitna River and headed back home.  Along the way I stopped for some snaps of my mom's favorite mountain, Susitna, or The Sleeping Lady.  

Then on to pick up my son from school, where I took this shot from the parking lot.  I mean really.  From the parking lot of his high school.  Is there anywhere more fabulous than Alaska??  I think not.

(These are all taken with a phone. Just imagine if I had a real camera. And, you know, had a clue what I was doing...)

God is so amazing.  <3

Beautiful vs Sexy

On someone's recommendation, I have been reading the book Captivating and working through the accompanying workbook.  This has spurred the most amazing healing.  I can't even put into words how God has changed my heart with the teachings in this book.  Seriously, ladies, go read it. Enter with much prayer and ask Jesus to open your heart to hear what He would have you to hear. Men, go buy it for your women and encourage them to work through it.  Be prepared for a lot of tears.  Better yet, give them some time alone to process what they are reading.  And honestly, the author has a version for men titled Wild At Heart.  Go get it for yourself.  I haven't read it yet but if it is half as good as Captivating, you need it. 

Part of this book talks about the importance of beauty.  And how we all have beauty to share.  And how beauty is not on the outside, but radiates from the inside out. It talks about how the most beautiful woman they know is in her 70s.  How she lights a room when she enters and everyone flocks to her and wants to be near her because she's so overwhelmingly beautiful.

And that's wonderful and fabulous to think that it may be possible to achieve such beauty and to be able to shine the love of Jesus out through my pores like that.

But in my brain, I have a terrible time separating beautiful from sexy.  If you find the word sexy offensive, let's replace it with attractive.  Physically appealing to a member of the opposite gender.

Is this a cultural thing?  Is this simply because I'm ever more aware of my own lack of attractiveness and am clinging to the hope that I will eventually find someone who does not mind a little extra weight (ok, a lot...), splotchy skin, saggy everything, stretch marks, grey hair, wrinkles, etc.?  Is it because I remember once being beautiful, attractive, maybe even sexy...and I miss it?  Is it just me?

Or do you struggle the same? When I say someone is beautiful, what do you picture? Do you picture young, thin, long flowing hair, clear skin, red lips?  Or do you picture old, overweight, grey hair, wrinkles, but as welcoming as a warm chocolate chip cookie?

When a woman wants to feel desired, does she mean she wants people to want to be around her and bask in the love of Christ?  Or does she mean she wants a man to find her physically attractive and want to be with her in a more physically intimate way?   And what of us old, overweight, wrinkly, physically unattractive women who may one day want to be physically attractive to a man? Are we just out of luck?  Are we doomed to a life of physical loneliness?

And does it matter?

These are the things that are wrestling in my brain. Do I want to be beautiful or do I want to be physically attractive to the opposite gender?  Are they different?  Are there men out there who don't mind old, overweight, wrinkly, and grey?  Who not only want to be around us because we are beautiful on the inside, but who also want to be with us because they find our outside attractive in spite of the things that our culture finds unattractive?

And vice versa.  What about us?  Who are we looking for?  Does our potential mate have to be young and physically strong and hulky?

I have seen men that I find physically unattractive attract a spouse.  I myself have found men physically unattractive until I get to know them.  They become attractive as their personality shows.  Is it the same for us?  Can my glowing personality (ha) make me physically attractive in the eyes of some kind man in the future?

Or does it even matter?  I do miss having a partner. I miss having someone to cuddle on cold nights. Someone to help around the house.  Someone to hike with.  Someone to have morning devotionals with.  Some to pray with me.  Someone to curl next to on the couch while we talk about our hopes and dreams for the future, or watch a movie, or just...sit.   Someone to exercise with.  Someone to cook for.  Someone to spoil.  Someone to do my laundry (ok, now I'm just dreaming.  LOL)

But if I had to choose between being physically attractive and beautiful...the beauty that comes from Christ shining through me...I'm glad I have Christ.  And through Him, I am beautiful.  If I can get over my selfish desire to be physically attractive (which, lets face it, is a losing battle.  Those days are long gone), if I will focus on HIM and let him transform me, I will grow more and more beautiful.  And He will bless me. And I will share His love to all those around me.

And that is all that matters.